From an early age, I was taught to assume that the best things in life were enjoyed through marriage, and that if I was a good Christian, I would get married. Even at age five, I understood this. My brother, cousins, and I would play house. We’d assign roles: you be the mommy, I’ll be he daddy, you be the baby. Then you’ve got to start filling out the B team. All that’s left is your annoying cousin, so we decide she’s going to be the cat lady next door. How does she react? She yelled “that’s not fair!” and threw a plastic toy at us. We were taught and believed that getting married and having kids was better and remaining single without kids was cursed. It was not good to be the cat lady next door.

Fast forward to college, during one longer season of singleness, I started fearing that I might never get married (probably some friday night when all of my roommates were on dates). After an hour of clicking through a half-dozen shows on Netflix trying to find something to drown my feelings, I gave up, and did what good Christians do: I went to Bible to find a promise from God to soothe my fears. But I couldn't actually find a promise that God had marriage for me. Instead, I found some surprising and challenging and inspiring teachings about Christian singleness.

When I talk to people in their 20s about Christian singleness, most of them hesitate and say something like: "I just don't know what that would look like. Other than not being tied down. I feel like that could get boring. What's the point? What would I live for? What would the milestones be? What would my purpose be? Who would my people be? How would that be a good, fulfilling lifetime worth living?”

To get right to the point: Jesus has an answer. And it was pretty obvious to the first Christians what Christ's answer was and where to find that in Scripture. For a variety of reasons, Christians today have forgotten, but as fewer people get married and more Christians face the possibility of long-term singleness, Christ's advice on this may be needed now more than ever.

Christ’s Invitation

Let me set the scene.

In Matthew 19, two opposing factions of religious leaders have gathered around Jesus. Each side is hoping to use Jesus to win their debate with the other side, and each side is hoping to simultaneously find a way to turn the townspeople against Jesus. So they ask him a trick question, of sorts. They ask him about divorce.

You see, marriage was a big deal to the Israelites. In Genesis, God commanded every faithful Jew to marry and procreate and obeying God's command was central to the Israelites' prosperity. God promised to bless the descendants of Abraham with land, military success, and economic flourishing, but the key to all of that was that Abraham's descendants had to multiply through faithful procreation. So if a Jew failed to marry and procreate, it was seen as a grave sin again the Hebrew people, putting in jeopardy their blessing from God. Simply put: marriage was a big deal to the Jews.

Back to Matt 19. These opposing factions of religious leaders have different opinions on acceptable grounds for divorce. One side is a little more conservative, one side is a little more liberal, but instead of taking either of their sides, Jesus calls God’s people to an even more rigorous standard, back to God’s original intentions for marriage, that, except in rare circumstances, God's people should never divorce. Everyone is surprised by Christ's answer, even his disciples.

As Jesus mentions, divorce had become fairly common among God's people, so Christ's suggestion that they turn back the clock, so to speak, seemed extreme, unrealistic. That’s why the disciples joke back that if the grounds for divorce were that limited, if godly marriage really meant lifetime marriage, no matter what, most of the time, then they joke that it would be better break God's commandment to marry and procreate and to never marry.

Then Jesus does something that surprises everyone. He responds by saying (and I'm paraphrasing here) "Yeah, not everyone will be able to live up to that high commitment of marriage. So only those of you who've been given the capacity to accept that high standard should get married. And then there are other's of you who should intentionally give up romance, dating, marriage, sex, and biological children for a lifetime and use the time and energy you would have spent on a spouse and kids to instead contribute to my big Jesus project of making the world right with all of your time and energy."

Then Jesus concludes in verse 12, “The one who can accept this should accept it."

This is a HUGE deal. Jesus tells a crowd Jewish people who were commanded to marry and procreate, who thought singleness was a curse of loneliness, that they should consider lifetime vocational singleness. He declared that vocational singleness is an equally valid, equally normal, equally valuable path for Jesus-followers.

What is vocational singleness?

Jesus and Paul encourage Christians to consider committing to what's called vocational singleness. Vocational singleness is a lifetime calling to singleness for the sake of kingdom work with undivided attention. Let me break that down.

“vocational singleness is a lifetime calling...”

It’s a calling. Christians have historically understood the Bible to teach that God has a preference for whether each of us steps into vocational singleness or Christian marriage. God wants us to ask Him which gift He wants to give us, and He wants us to trust Him, even if He seems to be calling us to the one we don't prefer. He wants us to give Him time and space to show us why His preference is best for us.

I've already noted how Jesus says in Matthew 19 that only those who've been called to Christian marriage will be willing to accept His teachings about Christian marriage. Later in verse 12, Jesus says that only those who've been called to vocational singleness will be willing to accept His teachings about vocational singleness.

Then in 1 Corinthians 7:7, Paul says that he wishes all were like him—all were called to vocational singleness—but God has given each his own gift. God will call some to vocational singleness and God will call others to Christian marriage.

But it’s not just a calling. It’s a lifetime calling.

God intends for vocational singleness to be committed and permanent. In Matthew 19, Jesus speaks of a call beyond the singleness we're born into and compares vocational singleness to the permanent state of being a eunuch.

In Luke 18:28-30 Jesus promises an 100-fold blessing of family in this life to those who give up the prospect of marriage and children for the sake of the kingdom. It's seems a bit like cheating for someone to ask Jesus for this 100-fold blessing and then change their mind and get married.

In 1 Corinthians 7, Paul recognizes and praises committed singleness and teaches that it is better to keep a commitment to vocational singleness than get married.

Plus, the people who first heard the teachings of Jesus and Paul, the Christians those Apostles mentored, and their disciples unanimously taught that Jesus and Paul were speaking of a permanent giving up of marriage, sex, and children in Matthew 19 and 1 Corinthians 7.

Temporary vs. Vocational Singleness

Now you've probably noticed that if vocational singleness is permanent, then it's different from the singleness we're all born into, right? We're all born single, and by default, called to abstinence. But none of us are born into the kind of singleness that Jesus and Paul praise in Matthew 19 and 1 Corinthians 7. Instead, they're talking about a calling to leave the singleness we're born into and step into a lifetime commitment to give up romance, dating, marriage, and sex to instead focus on kingdom work with undivided attention.

To be clear, God absolutely blesses those in temporary, born-into, default, uncommitted abstinent singleness. And our churches should absolutely take more steps to support those singles. And God intends for some to continue in uncommitted singleness for decades or for a lifetime.

But I know many in uncommitted singleness who find it difficult to commit to a particular spiritual family or kingdom work because they feel like they need to be ready to reorganize their life around a future marriage. They struggle with job dissatisfaction, kingdom work unfulfillment, loneliness, and a sense of waiting for life to start. Yet the vocational singleness Jesus is casting a vision for here is something different.

"vocational singleness is a lifetime calling to singleness...”

It's a call to give up romance, dating, marriage, sex, and biological children. In Matthew 19, Luke 18:28-30, and 1 Cor 7, Jesus and Paul have consistently been understood to be talking about a singleness that involves giving up romance, marriage, sex, and biological children. But that doesn’t mean that vocational singleness is a call to loneliness. It's still a call to human intimacy in the context of committed family.

"vocational singleness is a lifetime calling to singleness for the sake of kingdom work with undivided attention"

Jesus uses this phrase “for the sake of the kingdom” in Matthew 19 and Luke 18:28-30 to describe vocational singleness. And in 1 Corinthians 7 Paul explains that vocational singleness is a call to pass on the possibility of a spouse and children and instead use your availability from not having to raise kids to instead do kingdom work that parents struggle to find the time or energy to do, and do it undivided attention, with single-minded focus.

Ohh, and kingdom work here is defined as any work that promotes healing and flourishing in the world in ways that treat workers justly and use resources responsibly.

You see, many Christian parents are faithfully doing the kingdom work of raising their children to know the Lord and serve Him obediently. But that important kingdom work is time-consuming.

According to the US Bureau of Labor and Statistics and a bit of back-of-napkin math, the average parent spends the equivalent of two decades of 40-hour work weeks raising children. Between the ages 25 and 65, that’s nearly a third of their capacity for kingdom work dedicated to the important kingdom work of raising children—but therefore unavailable for other kingdom work. The average parent has to earn twice as much as a single person to provide for a nuclear family.

Yet teachers in low-income neighborhoods, pregnancy resource center workers, nurses at free clinics, advocates for refugees, and mental health therapists are often the most underpaid. Parents often cannot afford to take the jobs directly addressing the plentiful harvest of brokenness.

That's why Jesus established this vocational singleness!

To make a meaningful minority of Christians available to take that 33% of kingdom work capacity and leverage it for something other than raising children. Jesus hoped for a powerful minority of Christians having 50% more time and energy than parents to heal our communities with undivided attention.

Vocational singleness is also for the sake of the kingdom because it gives every Christian hope for the New Heavens and New Earth. Or at least it's supposed to. In Luke 20:34-36, Jesus teaches that none of us will need romance or sex in the New Heaven and New Earth, so vocational singleness preaches the gospel in way that marriage does not by serving as a physical sign and hope for how we will all live in the New Heavens and the New Earth.

Contemporaries of early Christians saw marriage as a necessity to secure physical protection, wealth, and a legacy through descendants. So when vocational singles fulfilled the promises in Isaiah 56:3-5 and Luke 18:29-30 by experiencing just as much family, belonging, and honor as married people; they provided Christians then with a preview of and hope for a New Heavens and New Earth where God would keep them safe, provide everything they needed, and would never forget them.

But today, I think most of us are interested in romance and marriage because they promise a way to find faithful love and escape loneliness. What if Christians in every city in America today knew of a local intentional Christian community where vocational singles lived together as a family and loved each other in healthy ways and were committed to each other for a lifetime, without the need for romance, exclusivity, or competing for each others’ affection?

I think that could uniquely testify to the fullness of God’s love by previewing a time when we won’t have to compete—to be more attractive or intelligent or funny than others—in order to be loved by others and belong in a family.

Vocational singleness is still a call to family.

That's why it's so important for us to discard the idea that Christian singleness is a call to loneliness for the sake of the gospel. Every time Jesus and Paul speak of vocational singleness, in Isaiah 56, Matt 19, Luke 18:28-30, 1 Corinthians 7, and 1 Tim 5:5-15, they recognize in some way that vocational singles still need committed companionship.

If you end up being single long-term, it's essential that you find that in some way, both because that's necessary for giving Christians hope for the New Jerusalem where we'll all enjoy eternal family without the need for romance or sex, and because you're going to need healthy intimacy in the context of lifelong, lived-in family in order to be faithful to your vocational singleness and do the kingdom work you're called to.

God made all of us for intimacy in family, even those called to vocational singleness. We know this because God is a being who enjoys intimacy in the context of family, and He created us in His image for those same things. He made us mind, body, and spirit, so we need connection on an emotional level, intellectual level, physical level, and spiritual level.

I'm not sure where this idea that Christians committed to singleness for Jesus are supposed to live alone and run around the world only meeting their intimacy needs in Jesus. But I do know that the people who heard Jesus teach and the people they shared Christ's teachings with did vocational singleness very differently during the first few centuries of the Church.

There were 10s of thousands of Christians committed to vocational singleness, as many as 20,000 in one city no larger than 100,000 according to records. They lived in the city in intentional Christian communities with other vocational singles of the same sex, and they were still a part of their local churches, instead of living alone or isolated out in the middle of nowhere. They were part of the normal economic life of the city, instead of praying all day in closets or caves. And they felt called to leverage their availability in singleness to serve others in their church and their city. They were normal people who had normal jobs, they lived in community and were deeply loved, and they made the most of their singleness to care for the broken and hurting around them.

That's what vocational singleness could and should look like. And that's what it's looked like for me. I'm a part of an intentional Christian community in Tennessee called the Nashville Family of Brothers.

We're still committed to a couple of different local churches that we go to. We're still connected to families at our churches and friends at work and people in our neighborhood. We've got normal jobs. And seven of us live in a house together, gather for a quick time of prayer before work each morning, have family dinners three nights a week, go on vacations together, and alternate Thanksgivings and Christmases with our brotherhood and our biological families—all while we're trying to figure out what kind of kingdom work God is calling each of us to and discerning whether we're called to commit to this brotherhood for a lifetime.

It's been a journey trying to figure out what kingdom work I'm called to, but today, I’m a proud godfather and blessed with the responsibility of helping his parents raise him (and his siblings) to be faithful Christian disciples. I'm a licensed professional counselor and I get to help people make sense of big questions of faith and family. I'm humbled God has used me to start a ministry that helps pastors and parents teach their churches and kids the kind of stuff we're talking about here. And I'm grateful to get to be a part of building that intentional Christian community with the other men in the Nashville Family of Brothers and offer lifelong family to people who are lonely.

All of that is made possible by my availability in vocational singleness, and every day there are reasons to thank God for His call on my life!

Plus at this point, I'm coming up on the end of a three year commitment to vocational singleness and to my intentional Christian community, and God has been giving me increasing confidence to make lifetime commitments this October.

That's what vocational singleness can look like.

Reasonable Objections

So, how do you know whether you're called to vocational singleness or Christian marriage? Well, before I answer that question, my hunch is there's some of you who feel some resistance to the idea of discerning, so here's three reasonable objections people often share to the idea that everyone should discern.

Some object, “But I want to marry and have kids. That must be God's desire." By that logic—that a desire to marry, a desire to be a parent, or a difficulty being single tells us we’re called to marriage—the only people who are called to vocational singleness are asexual people. Clearly that was not Christ’s intention. Most of the celibate Protestants and Catholics I know still experienced a healthy desire for marriage, sex, and children before committing to vocational singleness, so those desires aren’t an indication of God’s preference.

Others argue, "But singleness is too difficult and isn't natural!" Well, Christian marriage and vocational singleness are actually equally unnatural. Does the average Christian automatically possess everything they need to thrive in vocational singleness? No. But the same is true of Christian marriage. We don’t inherently have what we need to do marriage well either. In light of the Fall, romance, sex, and polyamory are what come naturally to us. Each of us has the same inherent but incomplete capacity for both vocational singleness and Christian marriage. But to do either well, we must step into that vocation and receive an additional gift to do it well.

And still others argue, "Doesn't 1 Cor 7:9 say that it's better to marry than to burn? So if I don't find abstinence easy, that means I'm supposed to get married, right?!" That's a common misinterpretation. Instead, Paul was narrowly addressing a group of Corinthian Christians who had adopted strange beliefs that their bodies didn't matter, so they were claiming to be celibate "in spirit" but then were engaging in unrestrained sexual immorality. Paul was chastising people who claimed to be celibate but weren't actually trying. Regardless, we should read 1 Cor 7:9 to caution us against committing to vocational singleness unless we have the gift from God to do it well. But Jesus said the same about Christian marriage: don't commit to Christian marriage unless you have the gift from God to do it well.

Which brings us to our last topic. If we’re not supposed to step into either vocational singleness or Christian marriage without God’s gift to do it well, how do we figure out which gift God wants to give us? How do we discern whether God wants us to pursue vocational singleness or Christian marriage?

How to Discern

Here's five ingredients for robust discernment:

First, grow your ”spiritual muscles” for general discernment. Do you know how to bring a question before God, consider Scripture, consider practical aspects of your question, seek advice from spiritual mentors, arrive at a potential conclusion, hold that conclusion before God, seek confirmation through small steps, and move forward with confidence? That's Christian discernment. Before you ask a question as important as Christian marriage or vocational singleness, practice your skills of discernment on less consequential decisions. A good book on this is God’s Voice Within by Mark Thibodeaux. You could even seek out a spiritual director to help you with your discernment process.

Second, address any emotional or theological resistance to either vocation. You need to make sure you have a healthy theological understanding of both vocational singleness and Christian marriage so that you aren’t biased against either. And work through any emotional barriers like a fear of marriage because of a family history of divorce or resistance to vocational singleness because of an idolatry of romance.

Third, consider what kingdom work you might be called to, and see if that points you toward vocational singleness or Christian marriage. If you feel like the primary work you’ve been called to is to raise children for the kingdom, then maybe you're called to Christian marriage. Or if you feel called to kingdom work that might be mutually exclusive with raising children, then maybe you're called to vocational singleness. Or maybe you don't feel a strong calling to either—that's totally normal!

Fourth, consider your past and current circumstances. Have any experiences from your past pointed you toward one vocation or another? Or perhaps you find yourself single later in life and ask, “I am still single not by accident, but because God has called me to vocational singleness?” I’m not saying that every adult who is single later in life has been called to vocational singleness. But perhaps if someone is single later in life, that is a sign of God’s intentions?

Fifth, take your time and seek the support of friends, family, and mentors. Get feedback from friends and family about your discernment. Invite mentors to lead you in this process. These people can often provide better advice from an outside perspective. Ask all of those supporting your discernment to pray with and for you about your process. And take your time. Don't feel rushed to discern quickly or rush into committing to vocational singleness in a long-term way. You can start out simple. Just make a one-year commitment not to date or engage in romance and commit to using the time and energy you would have used for those to instead serving those on the margins in your community. And then after a year of living out vocational singleness and discerning with the five ingredients I listed, check in with the Lord and with yourself and with those praying for you about whether you have enough clarity to shut the door on vocational singleness, enough clarity to make a commitment for a little bit longer, or need more time to discern.

Regardless of whether you’re called to vocational singleness…

I recognize that most of you who are single in this room today won't be single in twenty years. And that's great! The Church also needs faithful Christians to get married and serve God's kingdom down that path. But whether you're only single for another year, only single for another ten years, or end up being single for the rest of your life, I think there's ways everyone who is single, at least for now, can live into the purposes and blessings of vocational singleness.

What if you used less of your time and money for dating? And more for serving those on the margins in your community?

What if instead of spending so much time and energy trying to look like the most desirable person AND trying to woo the people you find most desirable AND playing the game of going on expensive dates that just end in painful breakups—what if instead, you invested all of that time and money into serving the people in your city who are forgotten and neglected and mistreated by this broken world?

Even if only for a season?

Why you should listen to discern advice from a gay Christian…

Ohh, and there’s one last thing I need to share. There's one part of my story I left out, because I didn’t want it to be a distraction. I didn’t want you to think that what I had to say today wasn’t relevant to you because our stories might be different.

You see, I’m gay.

And I'm convinced that God's best for every Christian is either vocational singleness or Christian marriage with someone of the opposite sex, including me!

I was afraid to tell you that in the beginning, because I was worried you might think that I only considered vocational singleness because of my sexuality and my convictions. I was afraid you might think that those of you who are straight don’t really have to consider the same possibilities, that vocational singleness is only for gay people.

Here's two reasons why you should still discern between vocational singleness and Christian marriage:

First, because I haven't just defaulted to vocational singleness. I've had to discern too. You see, while I'm not bisexual, I'm not generally attracted to women, I was in a Christian fraternity in college, so I had to go to date events and take girls to them. I was fairly open about my sexuality, many knew I was gay, yet sometimes we still had a great time. And afterward I'd say, "Hey, you know I'm gay, but this was fun. Do you want to keep on hanging out?" There were a couple of women who I dated for awhile and actually fell in love with, and we enjoyed meaningful emotional and physical intimacy in our relationships. One of them I even almost got engaged to, but we broken up for reasons unrelated to my sexuality.

That's all to say, I knew from those experiences that if God called me to Christian marriage with a woman, that could work. But the Scriptures and the Holy Spirit made it clear to me that I wasn't supposed to just take the one I preferred. I was supposed to discern and ask Jesus which He wanted to call me to. So when I say that I discerned between vocational singleness and Christian marriage, I really did.

And the second reason you should still discern between vocational singleness and Christian marriage is that the gospel might depend on it.

You see, Jesus came not only to reunite us with God, but to begin the work of redeeming all of Creation, of eventually transforming our world into an amazing New Heavens and New Earth where we will spend eternity with God and His people. Yet he did not leave us to merely wait for his return. He invited us to join him in the work of making the world right and bringing forth God’s kingdom here on earth. He called us to imitate him by laboring (and suffering) for the sake of others. And he sent the Holy Spirit to empower us as essential workers in the new kingdom project, knowing that we will not complete that work and that Jesus will return to finish what He started.

So, what we do on this side of heaven matters.

Christ not only intended to answer the calls of the sick, the poor, and the needy through the labors of his essential kingdom workers. He also intended for the witness of that suffering for the sake of others to offer non-believers hope that things can get better, that Jesus is already making things better, and that they too can join the family of kingdom builders. That is the full gospel of Jesus.

Yet racial injustice multiplies, millions of unborn are being senselessly killed, the marginalization of immigrants and refugees widens, marriages are crumbling under the pressure of cultural decay, homelessness builds, and Christian parents feel the world grasping for more influence on their children. Redemption seems too slow. The new kingdom project is stalled out, over-budget, behind schedule, and under-delivering. Because it’s under-staffed. When too few of God’s people are willing to faithfully collaborate with Him to bring forth the New Heavens and New Earth, it can look like God seems willing to let things fall apart.

That's why Jesus instituted vocational singleness.

And that's why the gospel needs you to give Jesus a chance to call you to vocational singleness. So that a small but mighty band of Christians will permanently give up romance, marriage, sex, and kids and focus all of their time and energy on bringing forth the kingdom. Christ’s institution of vocational singleness is essential to the gospel.

So please, give God a chance to call you to vocational singleness.

Imagine if 10% of Christians focused all of their attention on attending to wealth inequality, racial division, homelessness, mental illness, and a lack of care for immigrants and refugees! Imagine how all of this would bring the gospel alive for those curious about Jesus and draw people to Him.

Not-yet-believers would see a meaningful minority of Christians giving up some of our world's most coveted experiences to spend their lives healing the wounds of others. And then when those curious about Jesus asked, "But why?" those of us walking out vocational singleness could joyfully respond, "Well, I guess I just really believe that Jesus is who He says He is. And if that's true, it changes everything. If that's true, what could be a better way to spend my life than giving it all for Jesus's plan to make the world better?"

"Would you like to join?"