Gay People, the Holy Spirit, and the Church
Check out this three-part series about Gay People, the Holy Spirit, and the Church.
(Originally published in The Equip Blog)
Part 1: Does the Holy Spirit Promise Healing?
Here we explore the harmful ways Christians in the past have used the Holy Spirit as a weapon against gay people. Then we’ll answer three big questions about gay people and the Holy Spirit: Are people born gay or do they choose to be gay? What part did God play in our sexual orientation, and why? Will our sexual orientation change?
When gay people hear a Christian mention homosexuality, the Holy Spirit, and healing, they brace for what comes next. Too often, they have been promised that if they prayed hard enough, the Holy Spirit would make them straight. When their same-sex attractions persisted, the Church weaponized the Bible against them.
God wants to offer something better: a fruitful perseverance in the face of suffering.
How has God invited gay people to steward their sexualities, and what is the Holy Spirit’s role in that stewardship? Perhaps even more importantly: How has God called the Church to love gay people? And how will the Holy Spirit help the Church become a place where gay people can belong and thrive according to orthodox Christian sexual ethic?
Christians have hurt gay people
There’s a lot of baggage surrounding gay people and Holy Spirit. It’s important to unpack and clean out some of the things that get in the way of loving gay people like Jesus would. For too many decades, all gay people heard from the Church was that homosexuality was an abomination, people chose to be gay, if you prayed hard enough God would make you straight, gay people go to hell, and AIDS was God’s punishment for gay sex. This lead to millions of LGBT+ Christians who lost their faith or committed suicide.
In the most extensive study of LGBT+ people and the Church, Andrew Marin’s Us Versus Us reveals that of the 22.4 million LGBT+ people in the US, 19.3 million (86%) grew up in church. Of those, 10.4 million LGBT+ people have left the faith—that’s 54% of LGBT+ people who grew up in the Church—and their top reasons for leaving included negative personal experiences such as ex-gay programs. At the same time, gay teens are five times more likely to attempt suicide than their peers. LGBT+ youth who say religion is important to them are 38% more likely to be suicidal than their non-religious LGBT+ peers, suggesting that homophobic religious beliefs increase teens’ vulnerability to depression. And gay teens who come from highly rejecting families are 8.4 times more likely to attempt suicide than other gay teens. How are these related to “pray the gay away” practices inside churches and counseling centers? The primary solution churches and therapists offered gay people over the past half century was a false hope that anyone’s sexual orientation can change if they try hard enough. They were promised that God is good, He loves them, and He will heal them if they do their part. When that change didn’t occur, their hope for the future and their faith in God collapsed.
That brings up three big questions: Are people born gay or do they choose to be gay? What part did God play? Can orientation change?
1. Are people born gay or choose to be gay?
I want to be clear from the start: I never chose to be gay—to experience same-sex attraction, and those of you who are straight never chose to be drawn to people of the opposite sex. Do we choose how we respond to our attractions? Yes! But no one chose their sexual orientation (a person's enduring pattern of attractions for the opposite sex, same sex, both sexes, or neither sex).
Now to the second question: Are people born gay? Before we go further, let’s reflect on why this question is so important. Commonly, many argue that if we knew that people were born gay, then we should assume that God intended people to be gay. Then, if God intended people to be gay, He must support those people following their God-given desires for monogamous relationships with people of the same sex. So, are people born gay?
One scientific study of identical twins where one twin is gay, lesbian, or bisexual found that 52% of the time the other twin was also gay, lesbian, or bisexual. However, as the study was replicated, that number oscillated over time from 48% to 65.8% and then down to 11% and 7.7%. If the development of same-sex attraction were genetically determined, this number would be 100%, so the findings demonstrate that same-sex attraction is not genetically determined but is genetically predisposed, at the frequency of same-sex attraction is higher among both twins when one twin experiences same-sex attraction than among the general population. Scientists have also studied hormone levels in the womb in an attempt to discover a relationship between prenatal hormones and sexual orientation. These scientists reached similar conclusions to twins studies: conditions in the womb may predispose an individual to a certain sexual orientation, but they do not determine an individual’s orientation.
Across the ideological spectrum, the consensus of scientists is that genetics, prenatal hormones, and social environment contribute to the development of same-sex attraction. While scientists believe social environment contributes, in part, to the development of sexual orientation, there is no evidence to support common theories that sexual abuse or a bad relationship with a parent leads to developing same-sex attraction.
As a result, we would conclude that no one is born gay: scientific evidence does not support the claim that sexual orientation is biologically determined. But even if we became convinced that sexual orientation is biologically determined—if some flood of new research outweighed consistent past results from decades of sexual orientation development research—even if that were the case, that doesn’t necessarily mean that God intended for people to be gay. God’s intentions aren’t a scientific question; they’re a theological one.
Science can’t answer the question of God’s intentions because none of us are how God made us to be. None of us are born how God first imagined us to be—we were all corrupted at a genetic level before birth, formed brokenly in the womb, and quickly injured by the broken world we are born into. None of us today are how God first intended us to be. So are we born gay or do we choose to be gay? I say neither. More accurately, no one is born gay (genetically determined to experience same-sex attraction) nor does anyone choose to be gay (to experience same-sex attraction).
2. What part did God play, and why?
Did God make people gay? Did God “give people over to a depraved mind”? Did God merely allow people to be gay? Did God play no part in the development of sexual orientation?
James 1:13 teaches us that God does not tempt his children. The brokennesses in our lives that lead to temptation are not part of God’s design. Then Romans 1:26-27 speaks specifically to same-sex attractions. These verses in Romans don’t just point out the sinful nature of same-sex sexual activity. Paul goes further to suggest that same-sex sexual desires themselves are not what God intended—the desires are broken. We are all broken, and none of us displays sexuality in the exact way God first intended; we are all corrupted at a genetic level, and we all grow up in this broken world.
God did, however, allow people to experience same-sex attraction. We cannot deny that gay people exist. So why did God allow same-sex attractions to develop? More generally, why does God allow brokenness to persist in any part of our lives? The question, “God, why do You allow bad things to happen?” is not unique to conversation about sexuality and deserves more discussion than this post can provide.
Ultimately, we don’t know why God allows people to develop same-sex attractions. But we can find comfort in the words of Romans 8:28: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” God is faithful to redeem all brokenness for our good and His glory.
3. Can sexual orientation change?
Limited high-quality research demonstrates that only 3-4% of people who participated in sexual orientation change efforts experienced any change in their same-sex attractions, and even these results were from self-reports that cannot be verified. Moreover, Scripture does not promise permanent relief from any temptation in this lifetime. There is no proven combination of spiritual disciplines or counseling to bring about change.
Does God have the power to permanently remove a person’s same-sex attractions and place in them robust opposite-sex attractions? Certainly! But God chooses to do this so infrequently that praying for change with expectation can be dangerous. The likelihood of attractions changing even a little are the same as getting into Harvard, becoming a millionaire, or playing high school baseball and eventually going pro. Would it be wise to pray for those things expectantly?
What happens when your faith in God, your belief that God is good, or your belief that God loves you hinges on whether you get into Harvard, you become a millionaire, or your same-sex attractions change?
There is insufficient research about the effectiveness and harmfulness of sexual orientation change efforts in churches and counseling centers. From the limited research and consistent anecdotal information, the frequent harm of ex-gay programs seems to outweigh the benefits few experience. Moreover, the search for change is unnecessarily risky: LGBT+ Christians don’t need to change their attractions to belong and thrive in our churches according to a traditional sexual ethic. Based on this, it seems prudent to caution individuals, especially teens and young adults, from seeking to change their attractions. Rather, we should ask God how He wants to redeem broken attractions for His glory.
How does the Holy Spirit care for gay people?
So if gay people aren’t promised that the Holy Spirit will change their same-sex attractions into opposite-sex attractions, then what? What are gay Christians promised? How is God calling gay people to steward their sexualities, and what is the Holy Spirit’s role in that stewardship?
Part 2: How does the Holy Spirit Care for Gay People?
Here we explore five ways the Holy Spirit wants to comfort and care for gay people.
So if gay people aren’t promised that the Holy Spirit will change their same-sex attractions into opposite-sex attractions, then what? What are gay Christians promised? How is God calling gay people to steward their sexuality, and what is the Holy Spirit’s role in that stewardship?
The Holy Spirit promises to comfort and care for gay people in five ways:
1. The Holy Spirit Promises to Dwell in Us
1 Corinthians 3:16 and 6:19-20 remind us that our bodies are temples and that God’s Spirit dwells in us. Therefore, Christians should honor God with their bodies. Sexual stewardship matters because our bodies are not our own; they have been bought with a price.
2. The Holy Spirit Promises to Guide Our Thinking
1 Corinthians 2:11, John 16:8, and 2 Peter 1:21 remind us that the Holy Spirit knows our thoughts, judges our thoughts, and guides our thoughts to better things. All people need to think about sexual stewardship in ways that are informed by the Holy Spirit, but how, in particular, should we think about sexual stewardship for gay people?
Experiencing same-sex attraction—being gay—is a result of the Fall. When Adam and Eve chose to disobey God, their sin led to a domino effect of brokenness. Their sin bent all of the ways God had perfectly designed and ordered this world to the extent that this world around us, the people around us, and even us are not how God first imagined us.
Experiencing same-sex attraction is a brokenness, a temptation to sin, but God doesn’t hold our involuntary thoughts against us. God does not send people to hell merely because boys are attracted to boys or girls are attracted to girls.
As the majority of Christians have understood the Bible for 2,000 years, God calls all Christians to vocational singleness—to refrain from sexual and romantic activity—or Christian marriage with someone of the opposite sex. There is no context for same-sex sexual or romantic activity that God blesses in Scripture; all same-sex sexual and romantic activity are sins.
But isn’t this understanding terribly inconvenient for gay Christians? How can we be sure this is the way God sees things?
Most people start with the six passages in Scripture that many claim directly calls gay sex a sin; they are often called “the clobber passages.” While those do contain meaningful evidence, there are also reasonable ways some people cast doubt on how convincing those six passages are.
What is truly convincing is not these few passages, but the whole of Scripture. Consistently, Scripture reveals God’s design for our lives and God’s order for the world, even in the midst of brokenness. When it comes to what to do with our capacity for romance and sex, God seems to be pretty clear. There are two options for Christians: vocational singleness or Christian marriage with someone of the opposite sex. Jesus and Paul praised both and described both as having a specific design. In Matthew 19 and 1 Corinthians 7, they spoke of a committed celibacy where one gives up romance and marriage and sex to do kingdom work parents have a hard time finding the time and energy to carry out. In Matthew 19 and Ephesians 5, Jesus and Paul spoke of Christian marriage as a lifelong partnership between a Christian man and woman for the purposes of enjoying intimacy with each other, raising children, and embodying the gospel.
The Christian should not approach God or the Bible with the question, “What is permissible, when it comes to my sexuality? What can I get away with?” Instead, we should ask, “What is most wise and most good? What is God’s best when it comes to my sexuality?” God’s best for how Christians should steward their sexuality is clear: vocational singleness or Christian marriage with someone of the opposite sex.
3. The Holy Spirit Promises to Comfort us in Suffering
John 14:26, Romans 5:5, and John 15:26 show us that the Holy Spirit is a conduit of love, advocates for us, and comforts us in suffering; this is good news for the gay Christian!
Many gay people felt shame before God about their sexuality at an early age. They tried to hide their sexuality from God so that they felt less shame. The Bible and prayer were used as weapons by Christians trying to make them straight. And then, when they realized that they did nothing to bring their sexual orientation about, they couldn’t do anything to change it, and God didn’t respond to their pleas for Him to change it, they were angry at God for allowing them to be gay and not relieving them of this burden. All of this combines to leave gay people feeling like God is far away. They desperately want to feel close to God, but they don’t know how anymore. How can we care for gay people in this space?
We can reassure them that God is not surprised, and He sees them as valuable (Psalm 139). Reassure gay people that they don’t have to become straight for God to love them. We are all broken and accepted before a gracious and merciful God who will never abandon us.
Shame is Satan’s primary weapon in many experiences that involve secrecy and particularly those that are sexual in nature. Respond to that shame by helping the individual identify and reject shaming messages they tell themselves and hear from others. People may find relief from shame when they share their stories with others.
Invite them to be honest with themselves and God—God can take it. Honestly sharing with God how we feel toward Him is intimate, even if our emotions are misplaced. Plus, avoiding emotions toward God that we think we aren’t supposed to feel can become a barrier to intimacy with God.
4. The Holy Spirit Promises to Empower Us to Live in Counter-Cultural Ways
Romans 15:13, Luke 11:13, and Acts 1:8 clearly show that the Holy Spirit is a provision from God to give Christians power, often in counter-cultural ways.
One of the ways God calls gay people, in particular, to live counter-culturally is to reject the widespread belief in American that we need romance and sex and have a right to it. Yes, we all need connection, to be in relationship, to know and be known, to give and receive love. Because we are mind, body, and spirit, we need connection on cognitive, physical, and spiritual levels. But neither sex nor marriage are promised or necessary to meet our intimacy needs.
Because sins separate us from God and man, none of us can meet our intimacy needs fully or finally in this lifetime (Isaiah 59:2), but we still need to work toward meeting our intimacy needs in healthy ways. If we don’t, our flesh will reach out for destructive and unsatisfying alternatives (1 Corinthians 7:1-40).
How can gay people meet their intimacy needs? Like anyone else—by seeking deep, healthy intimacy. Encourage those you disciple to stop ignoring loneliness and start seeking out healthy relationships with safe friends.
5. The Holy Spirit Promises to Sustain Our Faith Through Sanctification
Ephesians 4:30, John 1:33, and Acts 2:38 tell us that the Holy Spirit sanctifies us and sustains us through that process. The constant faithfulness of the Holy Spirit gives all Christians hope, and it can particularly give gay Christians hope.
For gay people who have been stewarding their sexuality according to a traditional sexual ethic for awhile, particularly in celibacy, their biggest question is, “What can we hope for?” Christians can white-knuckle their way through celibacy for a couple of years, but after awhile it's exhausting to walk out a vocation with little support from church, family, or friends. As friends marry and have kids, the time and space in their lives for single friends becomes very limited. And it’s tiring to hear pastors say, “Jesus can be everything you need,” when those pastors go home to a spouse and kids every night.
So, what future can gay Christian hope for? Gay Christians can hope for a lifetime of sanctification through their sexual stewardship. Gay Christians can hope for intimacy with God and His family while working to redeem the world for God’s glory. Gay Christians can hope for the power of the Holy Spirit to obey God’s teachings and surrender their brokenness to God, knowing He will bring goodness (Jeremiah 7:23).
Gay Christians can hope in the fact that God invites everyone, regardless of orientation or attraction, to vocational singleness or marriage with someone of the opposite sex. And gay Christians can hope for a church that ministers to gay people excellently and where both vocational singleness and marriage are equally good and available to gay people.
But there’s a problem.
Most churches don’t minister to gay people excellently. Most churches aren’t places that can offer gay people much hope right now.
Maybe the best way you can answer, “What can gay Christians hope for?” is by being honest. For many, an honest might sound like this: “I wish this weren’t the case, but our church has been doing a poor job of supporting single and gay people for decades. I wish I could promise you that that will get better soon, but I can’t. The cross you’ll bear will probably be more painful than many of your peers. I am sorry. The world is not supposed to be this way. Our church is not supposed to be this way. So I personally give you permission to hold me feet to the fire on this. Don’t stop reminding me that things must be different, and quickly.” Don’t be afraid to apologize for the sins of the Church, confess on behalf of the church. You don’t need to apologize for your beliefs, but you can apologize that the Church hasn’t done enough to be a place where gay people could thrive with reasonable effort according to a traditional sexual ethic. After you apologize, affirm their need for committed, intimate family. Ultimately, they want hope that they will find family.
God has created each of us for family, yet most gay people have had a hard time finding it. So how can churches become places where gay people can thrive according to God’s wisdom? Stay tuned for part three of this series titled “How can spirit-led churches offer something better?”
Part 3: Can Spirit-led Churches Offer Better?
Here we explore how churches can be led by the Holy Spirit to become places where gay people thrive according to a traditional sexual ethic. We’ll explore the following questions: How has God called the Church to love gay people? And how will the Holy Spirit help the Church become a place where gay people can belong and thrive according to orthodox Christian sexual ethics?
Gay people have seen some bad fruit coming from the Church, but it’s not because gay people aren’t trying hard enough. It’s because they’re forced to work things out on their own. Gay people need the Church to step up and commit to learning how to love gay people well.
How has God called the Church to love gay people? And how will the Holy Spirit help the Church become a place where gay people can belong and thrive according to orthodox Christian sexual ethics?
1. Invite all Christians to Think Theologically About Their Sexual Stewardship
Most churches today lead straight Christians to assume that they will get married, teach that we need romantic companionship to be happy, and ignore the Bible’s teachings about lifetime celibacy and divorce. This leads to high divorce rates and a void of theology and practice of lifetime abstinent singleness among straight Christians.
But the Church calls gay Christians to a higher standard of sexual stewardship by allowing straight Christians to misuse marriage for their romantic fulfillment while asking only gay Christians to consider vocational singleness. Instead, our churches have got to become places where everyone is thinking theologically about their sexual stewardship.
We need to teach that God first calls everyone to a period of abstinent singleness during which we discern whether we are called to a lifetime vocation of celibacy or a lifetime vocation of Christian marriage with someone of the opposite sex.
These churches teach that every Christian has the same inherent capacity for both vocations and every Christian, gay or straight, should offer the question of vocational singleness or Christian marriage to God.
2. Talk Publicly About the Questions in the Intersection of Faith and Sexuality
Most churches today avoid the topic of God’s love for gay people, so the average church-goer doesn’t know how to have compassionate and theologically accurate conversations with friends. As a result, gay people don’t know whether it is safe to share their story. Churches that sit the fence on this topic hurt gay Christians because their indecision limits their ability to invest in something better. Instead, our churches need to become places that talk publicly about the cultural questions in the intersection of faith and sexuality. With compassion and theological accuracy, they explore the following questions:
How does same-sex attraction develop?
What part did God play and why?
Does same-sex attraction change?
How should gay people meet their intimacy needs?
How do LGBT+ people fit in God’s story?
How is God’s invitation to LGBT+ people good?
As a result, everyone in your church knows how to love LGBT+ people well and reflect the love of Christ in conversations about sexuality. Plus, LGBT+ people in your church still in the closet will know what you believe, your love for them, and that it is safe to share their story.
3. Talk About the Possibility of Same-Sex Attraction in Age-Appropriate Ways Across the Lifespan
Most churches wait until a kid shares that he is gay to address the topic of homosexuality. This is a problem. On average, teens wait five years after first recognizing their same-sex attraction to talk to a parent or pastor. That’s five years that a teen makes sense of these questions alone. Most often, this means that a teen has either developed shame, depression, and suicidality or adopted a progressive sexual ethic (and often both). Instead, churches need to become places that talk about same-sex attraction in age-appropriate ways across the lifespan.
Before a teen realizes he or she is gay, the teen hears that gay people don’t choose who they are attracted to, that they have nothing to be ashamed about, that we won’t try to fix them, that we don’t love them any less, and that God has good and beautiful plans for them. Then, when teens realize they are gay, they quickly share with their parents and pastors, inviting them to help them learn how to steward their sexuality in God-honoring ways.
4. Provide Effective Pastoral Care to Gay People
Unfortunately, many parents and pastors first react to a teen sharing about his attractions by sending him to a therapist or a parachurch ministry outside of the church to “fix” him. Parents and pastors don’t know how to minister to gay teens well, so they outsource the care. The shame and loneliness of gay teens is amplified because their challenges are treated as weird problems that need special treatment. They are told to make sense of a key aspect of their personhood away from the church family they worship with, pray with, and take communion with.
Instead, churches need to become places where pastors and lay leaders know how to minister to LGBT+ Christians well. They've done what it takes to gain the competency to provide pastoral care to gay people. While licensed counselors still may be included to help address clinical levels of anxiety or depression, these churches recognize that same-sex attractions are not a mental illness to be cured. Parents and pastors help gay people integrate their faith and sexuality in ways that lead to thriving in this life and deep relationships with God and friends.
5. Become Places Where Gay People Could Thrive in Vocational Singleness or Christian Marriage
A lot of churches may have the right beliefs about sexual ethics, but the pathways for sexual stewardship they offer are not viable. They are places where no one is thriving in vocational singleness or the complexities of marriage with someone of the opposite sex.
Essentially, they are walking gay teens to a desert, giving them a shovel and a bag of seeds, and then commanding them to thrive.
In response to the ways many have misused mixed-orientation marriage, many churches now teach that celibacy is the only option for gay people. But these churches never teach about lifetime singleness, there are no models in their church for doing this well, and they don’t invite straight people to consider vocational singleness. It begs the question: if we aren’t offering vocational singleness to straight people, do we really believe it is good?
Instead, churches need to become places where LGBT+ people could actually thrive in vocational singleness or a mixed-orientation marriage. These churches teach about the theology of vocational singleness in Scripture, adults are modeling thriving in lifetime singleness and they are celebrated in the church, and the church invites all people—gay or straight—to discern whether God is calling them to vocational singleness or Christian marriage. Most importantly, these churches are places where single people can find the same depth of family that married people find, whether that be through intentional Christian communities of single (or single and married) people or helping the vocationally single move in with marrieds to be a part of their family. Then, these churches teach about the possibility of mixed-orientation marriages for gay people, cautioning against getting into these recklessly while highlighting the beauty and brokenness of real stories.
Most churches can’t do this work on their own. Most churches will need an expert to help them cast a vision for better ministry, come up with a plan for realizing that vision, and carefully implement that plan. But even if your church partners with EQUIP, we can’t accomplish anything without the Holy Spirit.
So how does the Holy Spirit help the Church become a place where gay people can belong and thrive according to orthodox Christian sexual ethics?
The Holy Spirit Calls Us to Repent
John 1:33 and Acts 2:38 call us to repent and receive the Holy Spirit. One of the big ways the Holy Spirit sanctifies us is by moving us to repent. Before our churches start taking steps forward, we first need to reckon with the past. The church needs to repent for ways we actively perpetrated or were complicit in pray-the-gay-away efforts, and we need to identify and eliminate the ways those ideas and practices still linger.
Many evangelical churches still preach that we choose who we are attracted to and that gay people sin by merely being attracted to the same sex. We still hear that people are gay because they were raped or because they had bad parents. Same-sex sexual sin is treated as worse than opposite-sex sexual sin. Gay people are told to keep working toward change if they want God to love them. And pastors and parents still send gay teens to therapists, weekend retreats, and parachurch ministries hoping they’ll return “fixed.”
The Holy Spirit Guides Our Theology
1 Corinthians 2:11, John 16:8, and 2 Peter 1:21 remind us that the Holy Spirit guides our thinking and provides us with wisdom. We need to boldly teach all Christians to think theologically about their sexual stewardship and engage in these conversations winsomely and with conviction inside our homes, inside our church, and everywhere else.
The Holy Spirit Empowers Us to Offer Something Better
Romans 15:13, Luke 11:13, and Acts 1:8 show us the power that is available to us through the Holy Spirit. Ask the Holy Spirit to empower you to help the Church offer gay people something better.
Because many gay people who steward their sexualy according to a traditional sexual ethic answer a call to vocational singleness, one of the big ways we can offer something better to gay people is to help them find family. We can help single people gather together and commit to being family for each other and doing rhythms of family together. Churches can help support vocationally single people in creating these intentional Christian communities by suggesting the idea, helping them cast vision for it, providing pastoral support while they explore the possibility, coaching them through the process, and maybe even providing financial support in the early years.
The Holy Spirit Provides Hope
John 14:26, Romans 5:5, and John 15:26 remind us that the Holy Spirit is with us and gives us confidence and hope, even when things seem overwhelming. God is calling the Church to a big work here. It will be difficult; when it feels like too much, don’t find the easy out, don’t blame gay people, don’t say this cross is too much, don’t ignore it. Rather, ask the Holy Spirit to provide us with the hope to keep going for the sake of gay people in your families and churches and the the sake of the whole Church.