For nearly a decade I was burdened by crushing shame, in large part because I was told gay sexual sin was worse than straight sexual sin.

Sometimes explicitly (but often indirectly) I was led to believe that whatever sins I committed, they were even more despicable in God's eyes because I was gay.

It was worse to look at gay porn than straight porn.

If a guy got handsy with his girlfriend in college, mentors slapped him on the wrist but quipped, "Well, you're in your 20s. At least you didn't have sex."

If, in a time of weakness, I got handsy with a guy, mentors treated me like I had committed adultery and put me on 6-months leave from Christian leadership.

Eventually, I was able to give this double standard a name: homophobia.

But thankfully, wiser mentors and caring therapists helped me route out homophobic shame. How?

First, they encouraged me to share my story with safe people. Each time someone responded with compassion and a genuine desire to get to know me better, it was easier to believe that I was just as worthy of love.

Second, mentors helped me identity moments of past sexual sin when I experienced crushing levels of self-destructive shame on top of appropriate levels of guilt. I imagined going back in time and caring for my younger self by disentangling appropriate guilt from destructive shame.

Third, I gave myself permission to listen to music and watch movies where gay characters were portrayed as normal (while avoiding any romantic/sexual content that would be unhelpful for me).

Each of these helped reduce the power of shame in my life, making it easier to resist temptation and connect with others in healthy ways!