People on the left who disagree with gay Christians like me (who hold a historic sexual ethic) often accuse us of internalized homophobia.

While they intend to discredit our beliefs with this accusation—suggesting we're only committed to God's wisdom because of deep-seated shame, they're right (in part).

I've definitely been haunted by internalized homophobia, although it's not why I became convinced of historic sexual ethics or still hold those convictions.

Internalized homophobia is when a person (particularly a gay person) comes to personally believe the negative ideas about gay people they've heard from others (media, neighbors, etc.).

I grew up hearing a horrible stereotype of gay people: that all gay people went to group sex parties, had AIDS, were addicted to drugs, and hated God.

That stereotype eventually taught me to hate myself, because I came to believe that God would only tolerate me if I loathed myself.

It’s a twisted and destructive form of shame. The Enemy used homophobia around me to trick me into believing that if I hated myself enough, my attractions could be eliminated or mastered.

Or if I couldn't get rid of my attractions and kept making mistakes, at least I could show God how much I despised myself. Perhaps with enough self-disgust, God might forgive me and tolerate me.

Unfortunately, this internalized homophobia can linger for decades. For many in the closet, it leads to hatred of anything related to pride, anything feminine, and anything associated with homosexuality.

It took years to root this out with my therapist's help.

A breakthrough moment came when I finally noticed how unfairly "those gay people over there" were treated. I yearned for God to wrap his arms around those hurting and make things right. Then a switch flipped.

I realized that if I saw other people that way and guessed that God's heart broke for them too, then God must have just as much compassion for me. He knows it's not my fault. And I can give myself grace too.

For other gay Christians, they have to experience other Christians choosing to love them even after learning about their sexuality in order to believe that God loves them.

I've particularly found Eve Tushnet's "Tenderness" to be a powerful resource for pushing back on internalized homophobia. I recommend it to every one of my clients!

What have your experiences with internalized homophobia been? What have you found helpful for deconstructing that deep-seated shame?