The real problem with purity culture? Romance idolatry

Devi Abraham and Jessica Van Der Wyngaard recently had me on the "Where do we go from here?" podcast to talk about purity culture and celibacy.

Listen to the podcast at wheredowegopod.com/83-2/

The problem with "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" and True Love Waits wasn't traditional sexual ethics. It's that purity culture sold Christians the idol of romance.

Disney, Taylor Swift songs, and the Bachelor/Bachelorette promise that romance will fulfill our dreams. Western Christians have grown up with these powerful messages.

But instead of challenging this lie, Christian leaders just decorated it with Jesus sprinkles and served in up in our churches:

"If you read your Bible and save sex for marriage, God *WILL* give you life-changing sex with your soulmate spouse in a happily-ever-after marriage."

That's the lie of purity culture: a promise of romance and marriage and sex if we're pure enough.

The truth is, no one needs or is promised romance/marriage/sex. Singleness isn't a punishment for sexual impurity.

We should submit our sexualities to God (+His wisdom) because He is our King and Lord who knows what's best for us, not so He will give us the idol we prefer.

Instead of demanding and taking romance/marriage/sex, every Christian young adult should open-handedly discern. We should ask God in prayer,

"God, I know what I prefer, but which do *You* prefer for me? Do you want to give me the gift of vocational singleness or Christian marriage? Would you give me the wisdom and strength to accept Your gift?"

Q: What did this idolatry of romance sound like in your church growing up?

Listen to the podcast at wheredowegopod.com/83-2/

Intimacy with celibate Christians is risky (because intimacy is *always* risky)

Devi and Jessica also asked me about the wisdom of physical intimacy between celibate Christians on the "Where do we go from here?" podcast.

Do I have to make an effort to ensure intimacy is healthy, non-sexual, and non-romantic? Yep! Can I engage in physical intimacy with others unthinkingly? No.

But I don't think anyone can.

Purity culture has misled us to believe that love within marriage is always pure. That Christian spouses are incapable of lusting over each other. That they can enjoy and take from each others' bodies unthinkingly.

In reality, connecting with another human is always risky.

While we don't need to be paranoid, we should always ask ourselves, "Am I connecting with this person with motivations of self-giving love and to communicate my care to them? Am I selfishly taking from them? Am I objectifying them?"

We need to ask these questions in marriage, in dating relationships, and in friendships. Everyone needs to pause and examine their motivations.

So when I hold hands with another guy with non-romantic/non-sexual intentions, do I have to strive to ensure it's healthy? Yes!

And you should too, whether you're gay or straight, married or single.

How delightful that God might use gay celibate Christians to shine a light on every Christian's need to examine their motivations for intimacy—even intimacy within Christian marriage.

Listen to the podcast at wheredowegopod.com/83-2/