Recognizing & Responding to Romance Idolatry
A New York Times article from February of 2021 titled "The Great Pandemic Wedding Boom" shared anecdotes of Americans who responded to the social pressures of the COVID-19 pandemic by leaning into romantic relationship. A couple in their 60s commented, “We felt like we didn’t have time to waste." A 38-year-old photographer was forced to wait five months for a virtual appointment to get a marriage license because of the volume of people trying to file their online paperwork, adding, “I didn’t want to put my life on hold." 80% of engaged couples reported being more eager to get married so they could have someone to weather the pandemic with. 55% said they planned to prioritize their relationship above anything else, thanks to the pandemic. Marriage licenses were up 28% in Little Rock, Arkansas and 70% in Yonkers, New York. The piece concludes with a telling quote from a private jeweler profiting from a 30% increase in engagement rings, "They didn’t want to wait for their lives to begin anymore.”
Whatever we make of the past two and a half years of social distancing and Zoom meetings, lockdowns and mask mandates, sickness and death,
of one thing we can be certain: COVID-19 raised the stakes of our pursuit of intimate relationships. And while this increased intensity revealed the degree to which Christian communities idolize romance, it also presented us with opportunities to respond to this awareness with ancient answers.
Here's how covid fed the idol of romance:
Married couples and nuclear families were forced to figure out life without their extended spiritual family of church friends and biological family. Parenting while working from home paired with cabin fever became a pressure cooker for pre-existing vulnerabilities, leading to countless divorces. Single people didn’t fare much better. Often faced with complete disconnection from community, many launched a desperate search for a partner who would expand their COVID bubble from one to a romantic two, leading to “wow that was quick” marriages joked about in communities of all kinds. Those who didn’t pair up (and many who did) struggled with anxiety, job and income loss, and relational atrophy. Both were tempted with the same solution—invest more in your romance.
The results of this dependence on romance have been disastrous.
Social distancing sent us retreating to our centers of exclusivity, pushing us to meet even more of our intimacy needs in a significant other. Singles felt pressured to find their significant other quickly or suffer the pandemic alone. Already-established relationships felt strained by unrealistic demands. For every hasty marriage, there’s also been an untimely divorce.
But even before the pandemic, researchers were warning us about over-investing in romance. A 2011 study found that when women in college see romantic images (instead of images of things that suggest intelligence, such as books and libraries), they express less interest in science and technology. A 2000 study found that adolescents who become romantically involved got more depressed than those who did not and drank more than their peers.
Long before lockdowns and masking, Christians were already struggling to recognize the ways in which modern society idolizes romance and to respond by rightly ordering our loves. COVID-19 only amplified the consequences, making the 21st century idol of choice undeniably clear.
Of course, the first step in making any kind of change is admitting that we, U.S. Christians, have a problem.
To understand our problem with romance idolatry, we must define it.
While various reasonable definitions exist, let’s describe “romance” as an emotional desire for sensual love with another person, which often includes a number of courtship behaviors aimed at erotic love. From this perspective, romance is motivated by eros in that it is both exclusive and involves certain forms of physical intimacy associated with dating and marriage.
Next, let’s describe an “idol” as something we put in the place of God or prioritize over God’s priorities, often based upon the false promise that a particular way of being in the world will provide us with something only God can provide. In other words, we idolize when we allow something good to become misdirected into being something ultimate.
The idol of romance is not our friend. It's deceitful, and it seeks to destroy our relationships. In Disney movies and Taylor Swift songs we hear and see a beautiful depiction of connection that will fulfill and satisfy us more than anything else can. Why? Because it's exclusive, it's special. But not just with anyone. The idol of romance promises us we’ll be united with the person meant specifically for each of us, who matches each of us perfectly. We’re promised it'll be easy, effortless, and self-sustaining, because it's the love we were destined for. That's the magical lie of romance idolatry. And that false hope destroys every relationship we step into, dooming every connection to fall short of the effortless, deeply-satisfying, Disney romance we've been promised. Ultimately the Idol of Romance promises us love, belonging, family, pleasure, and an escape from loneliness, but in reality, it leads to casual connection, thoughtless contraception, abortion, codependency, adultery, divorce, and loneliness.
You might notice I’ve been intentional to focus on romance idolatry, not marriage idolatry. Why? Because healthy theology and practice of Christian marriage are not the problem. And romance idolatry takes root long before marriage. Disney movies and Taylor Swift songs teach our children that magically coupled love is the best thing the world has to offer.
Unfortunately, Christians offer the same idolatry, but with a facade of spirituality.
Do you recognize this quote from a top-selling book about Christian masculinity?
"Deep in his heart, every man longs for a battle to fight, an adventure to live, and a beauty to rescue… A woman doesn’t want to be the adventure; she wants to be caught up into something greater than herself…every woman wants to have a beauty to unveil…to simply and truly be the beauty, and be delighted in.”
Do you notice the idol of romance? From an early age, parents and pastors highlight Bible stories and holidays centering romance and marriage. When parents comment, “When you get married…” or ask, “Are you dating anyone?” they leave no room for stories or celebrations of singleness for the sake of Christ’s kingdom. Christian teens assume they are free to indulge in romance as much as they want, as long as they don’t cross certain lines. 72% of pastors surveyed by Equip believe “If a person desires to marry and have kids, then God wants them to marry.”
Many western Christians mistakenly believe the following five statements about sexual stewardship:
God gave me desires to marry and have kids because He wants me to get married.
Marriage is about companionship and mutual fulfillment.
I only have to have kids if and when I want them.
God calls a select few to vocational singleness and sustains them spiritually.
Friendship can’t provide what marriage can and shouldn’t be too close.
Now, I know we come from a variety of convictions about sexual ethics, so we may disagree on the wisdom/foolishness of some of these, but regardless, the topline belief is that we need romance/sex to be whole/happy people and we're promised it by God if we're good Christians.
This leads to painful results. Half of Christian marriages end in divorce, and a 2017 Barna Study found that singles struggle more with depression, anxiety, doubt in God’s existence, and rebounding from doubt.
In contrast, God has never promised…
In contrast, God has never promised us romance or sex or said that either are necessary to meet our intimacy needs. Quite the opposite. Jesus didn’t have sex. Paul was committed to celibacy. Many of the mothers and fathers of the Church have been celibate. And Jesus says that in Heaven, there won’t be any more marriage or sex.
In Matthew 22:30, He says this: “At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven.” It doesn’t make too much sense that the example of our faith was celibate or that we will all be celibate in Heaven if marriage and sex are necessary to be fully human.
But this just raises a question: if romance won’t address our desires for intimate human connection, whether ultimately or in the here and now, what are more life-giving alternatives?
How can we respond to romance idolatry?
I've got four suggestions:
Right-size our expectations of marriage,
Raise our expectations of friendship,
Invest in thicker family in the body of Christ,
Offer greater support for vocational singleness.
First, right-sized expectations of marriage. I've taught over 10,000 Christian leaders. During private trainings with pastors, I often ask how many in the room consistently meet their intimacy needs in their relationships with their spouse and God alone. Want to guess how many raise their hands?
Almost none.
And the ones who raise their hands often look left, look right, admit that they raised their hand because they were afraid to admit their spouse and God weren't enough, and then lowered their hand. That's not because these pastors don't love their spouses enough or have a low view of God. It's because in the Garden, before the fall, God saw that Adam didn't have another human companion, noticed that he wasn't lonely, and said it was not good. From the beginning, God made us for relationship with more than just Him. And then sin entered the world, separating us from God and each other, such that none of us can meet our intimacy needs in a relationship with Jesus and our spouse alone.
Some amount of loneliness is unavoidable.
And the problem isn't that our spouse is imperfect. As a licensed professional counselor who has met with couples, I can assure you that more often than not, dissatisfaction in marriage isn’t because you or your spouse isn’t enough, but because codependency and romance idolatry have tempted you to expect you or your spouse to provide too much (and self-destruct the marriage out of shame or search for a better match). To meet their intimacy needs in healthy ways, married people need to also invest in non-sexual, non-romantic intimate friendship to meet their needs for emotional, intellectual, spiritual, and physical intimacy. Plus, two people were never meant to raise a family of four, let alone a family of either, alone, so the need to knit more adults into your family is even greater for parents!
Second, we can push against the idol of romance by raising our expectations of friendship. Many of the pillars of our faith depended on committed friendship to sustain their ministry: David and Jonathan, Ruth and Naomi, Jesus and John, and Paul and Timothy. Some of these individuals were in opposite sex marriages outside of these deep friendships, some were single, but all found themselves in non-sexual, non-romantic committed friendships often called spiritual friendships.
Listen to how Scripture describes their friendship. In Ruth 1:16-18, Ruth speaks about her friendship with Naomi this way:
“Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the Lord deal with me, be it ever so severely, if even death separates you and me.”
Here's how Jonathan felt about his friendship with David in 1 Samuel 18:1-4:
"After David had finished talking with Saul, Jonathan became one in spirit with David, and he loved him as himself. From that day Saul kept David with him and did not let him return home to his family. And Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself. Jonathan took off the robe he was wearing and gave it to David, along with his tunic, and even his sword, his bow and his belt."
And David in 1 Samuel 20:41:
"David got up from the south side of the stone and bowed down before Jonathan three times, with his face to the ground. Then they kissed each other and wept together—but David wept the most."
Now, we have no reason to believe any of these women or men were same-sex attracted. We have no reason to believe these were secret homoerotic declarations. Friendship really can be this meaningful without being romantic or sexual. This kind of spiritual kinship, chosen family, spiritual friendship between people of the same sex has been common through most of recorded history. These spiritual friendships let each other need each other and give each other permission to ask of each others' time/energy/etc. They expect to get hurt and commit to forgive. These friendships were enough to sustain those who were single, and a hearty supplement for those who were married. To learn more, check out the book Spiritual Friendship by Wes Hill.
Okay, third, we can invest in thicker family in the body of Christ. As Jesus reminds us in Mark 3:31-35, the family of God is not defined by biological kinship,
but by a shared commitment to partnering with God’s work in the world. Church-as-family is not a metaphor, or at least it doesn't have to be. It can be a thick, lived reality that has the potential to address many of the relational and material needs of both single and married Christians that often go unseen or unacknowledged. Nevertheless, to live as an actual family and not simply as a metaphorical one isn’t easy, if for no other reason than most of society is not organized to make this possible, much less preferable. It is one thing to call each other “sister” and “brother” or to worship, pray, and serve together. It is something else altogether to live (and perhaps invest) in the same house together, to plan vacations with each other, and to make decisions about jobs and potential moves based upon the needs of our non-biological kin. But that, it would seem, is precisely the kind of family Jesus had in mind for his followers.
And last but not least, we can push against the idol of romance by taking seriously what Jesus and Paul had to say in Matthew 19 and 1 Corinthians 7 about vocational singleness. How?
First, we've got to teach Jesus and Paul's invitation for every Christian to consider committing to permanently giving up romance, dating, marriage, sex, and biological children to leverage their availability to do kingdom work parents don't have the time, energy, focus, or financial freedom to do. If we only ever teach about temporary singleness focused on self or casual dating, should we be surprised when few are living out the celibacy of Jesus and Paul?
Second, we've got to gather single Christians in your church, ask them about their family experience, ask them what they need, ask them how they’d like to contribute. Cast a vision for what it would look like to be a church where single Christians find the same depth and permanence of family as those in traditional families. Develop a careful step-by-step strategy for realizing that vision. Offer coaching, accountability, and financial support. The first act of the Church was to gather celibate women and offer them practical support to build family with each other. It's at the core of the Church's DNA to foster family for vocational singles.
Third, value vocational singleness by hiring vocational singles as head ministers, preaching pastors, worship leaders, youth pastors, and children’s pastors. Plus, choose vocational singles as elders and godparents. Kids needs to see our vocation valued.
Fourth, celebrate vocational singles committing to their calling with just as much pomp and circumstance as you do weddings. Then celebrate the kingdom work that vocational singles are able to do with their undivided attention just as much as we honor kids.
And fifth, guide every Christian young adult to open-handedly discern between vocational singleness and Christian marriage. Instead of taking whatever we want, the Scriptures say God wants to give us a good gift of either vocational singleness or Christian marriage, and we should seek His preference through discernment. Start by creating anticipation for discernment from an early age and teaching teens general Christian discernment. Then in 20s and 30s, help young adults ask God which gift He wants to give and embrace His calling. Discernment practices may include studying theology, addressing emotional barriers in counseling, considering the kingdom work they’re called to, praying in community, and giving God time.
Taking seriously what Jesus and Paul had to say about vocational singleness would help us consider and value an alternative to marriage that dethrones romance from a pedestal of idolatry, not by tearing down marriage, but instead by lifting up vocational singleness next to Christian marriage as equally beautiful and difficult, equally kingdom-building and gospel-sharing, equally a call to family and bringing life to a broken world. Plus, careful discernment of both callings and meaningful support of each will prevent hasty marriages and cultivate healthy singles who can be better support to parents!