Some Christians get mad at me when I respect people’s pronoun and name preferences.

Here’s the deal, just because I honor someone’s request doesn’t mean I’m theologically affirming their decisions. It just means that I don’t want terminology to be a barrier to getting to know a trans person.

And this whole conversation can be confusing because different people use different words to mean different things. For example, at Equip, the ministry I help run, we use the term "gender incongruence" to mean "an acute sense that one’s gender does not correspond with the experience typically associated with the person’s biological sex".

And then we use the term "transgender/trans" as "a general term for someone who experiences gender incongruence" without communicating anything about their theological convictions or the extent to which they have transitioned.

Why do names and pronouns matter so much to trans people?

Well, for those who experience gender incongruence, their biological pronouns can be a constant reminder of the pain and tension they feel every day. Some experience meaningful relief from that tension when they adopt different pronouns.

Using alternate pronouns (similar to identifying as gay, bi, lesbian, etc.) can mean as little as “I experience gender incongruence” or as much as “I am fundamentally a transgender person and must follow a trans cultural script to be true to self” (and everything in between).

In conversation with a trans person using alternate pronouns or a different name, I default to language mirroring as hospitality. I mirror their language out of respect, particularly if they're not a believer or I don't know them well.

I’m not affirming.

I’m just avoiding unnecessary tension over language and keeping the door open for future conversation.

Now, if a trans Christian friend (with whom I have decades of friendship and mutually holding each other accountable) asks me to use alternate pronouns, I'll likely ask them what that means theologically for them and continue dialogue.

Watch the video at https://www.instagram.com/reel/C4dYuSnppbX/