When I play back the tape on a lot of conversations from the past decade that ended in others feeling unheard, disrespected, and misunderstood, many of them would have gone better if I had just chosen to turn the cheek.

But turning the cheek is hard for me. Maybe it's difficult for you, too.

To be clear, when Jesus talks about turning the cheek, he's talking about responding to insult. He's referring to times when someone offends you or falsely accuses you.

But I'm probably not a victim as often as I think I am.

Too often, I've felt "offended" when I was probably in the middle of hurting the other person much more than they were hurting me. I've resisted turning the cheek, particularly when I've thought it meant I had to become a doormat. Plus, I've resisted turning the cheek because I'm a broken person who puts my own needs above others', resists criticism, and struggles with entitlement and distrust.

In the moment, I failed to fully see my own responsibility. I failed to see how others felt intimidated, silenced, and bulldozed.

Some reading this who've been on the other end of conflict with me are all too familiar.

Thankfully, I brought this up with my mentor recently, and he pointed me to Dallas Willard's understanding of Christ's words. Willard offered a simple equation:

Turn the cheek = Stay vulnerable + Practice restraint

In the past I've often hidden my tender parts from myself and from others. I've hidden my fears and sadness because it didn't feel safe. So I showed up in cold, calculated ways and unwittingly wielded logic as a weapon.

Or I connected with more of my emotions, experienced fear that my tender parts would be mistreated by another, and then threw up high and thick defensive walls by puffing up as big as I felt like I had a right to.

I defended myself as much as I felt like was "fair" to make myself feel as safe as possible as quickly as possible. Often, I over-connected with my anger, leaving others feeling overwhelmed and intimidated.

Instead I need to stay vulnerable and practice restraint.

I need to actually let the other person see me in ways that are unprotected and honest, even if that could be used against me. Particularly for me, that looks like connecting with and sharing about my fear and sadness.

I also need to resist the urge to go cold or to puff up. I need to intentionally do what might feel like tying my own hands behind my own back. I need to ride the wave of fear instead of forcefully pushing back against it.

I need to recognize what I might have a "right" to say/do or what might be "fair", and then I need to choose to set that aside. I need to give the other person space, empower them to share, and listen.

The good news with turning the cheek is that, regardless of whether I'm genuinely a victim or I'm actually the offender but foolishly seeing myself as the victim, turning the cheek is a good policy.

It's certainly better than throwing my weight around to make myself feel safe at the expense of others, leaving others feeling bullied and coerced.

All the while, I need to hold these words close: God, you see all, hear all, and know all. I need help.

(Ohh, and to be clear, posts like these aren’t replacements for full apologies to those who have felt bullied or coerced over the years. Mentors in my life are helping me upskill on turning the cheek so I can apologize well, soon. Posts like these are just some external processing from my journey of more fully facing my flaws. Slowly.)