I turned 32 on Saturday, January 7th. NYE and my birthday bookend a time of reflection and looking forward. I've been thinking a lot recently about whether I love God.

What does it even mean to "love God"?

Is it like when my mom is hurting/sad and some deepest part of my soul is profoundly unsettled (on her behalf) until things are made right?

Is it like how proud I am to be my dad's son and the ways he's been a just employer + helped people bring the beauty of God's creation to their yards?

Is it like the immediate delight I feel when my little brother and I hang out in person after months apart because years of consistent mutual care gives us confidence that we love each other?

Is it like my desire to discover and be enchanted by the ways each of my NFOB brothers uniquely images God because of their willingness to commit to family with me (and others)?

I used to think I was supposed to feel those ways toward God. To love God in the same ways I love humans I've seen and hugged. But I never did. And then I drowned in shame.

Awhile back I asked the late Fr. Thomas Mckenzie what it meant to love God:

"Well, God the Father and God the Holy Spirit are not human. God the Son is not bodily with us on this planet. So all of those anthropomorphic aspirations of loving God might not be realistic."

He continued, "Historically, the Church has offered a different vision: love God by loving His people, obeying His wisdom, and building His kingdom."

"I can do that," I said.

So if you raise a glass or offer a prayer on my behalf this season, pray that God would help me let go of unrealistic, shame-bringing expectations of loving Him.

And pray with me that God would help me better love His people, obey His wisdom, and build His kingdom.

Pray that I'd learn how to love Him better.