Pastors and Christian leaders often ask me what seems like a bit of a sensationalist “what if” question:

They ask, “What if a same-sex married couple with kids starts coming to your church, all of them become Christians, and the couple both become convinced of historic sexual ethics? What do they do next?”

As much as you might think this is a fantasy scenario question that seminary students get excited about debating, these circumstances actually come up in churches more often than you’d think.

Here’s how I respond to pastors:

“There isn’t a one-size-fits-all answer to this one. So first, I suggest you pray and discern together and ask the Holy Spirit for wisdom and tenderness. I can share with you what I’ve noticed works for some couples. I’ve actually witnessed a good number of same-sex female couple with kids in this exact situation.

On their own, they come to know Jesus and become convinced of historic sexual ethics. As a result, on their own, they became convinced that they were never married in the eyes of God, and that any future romance or sex would be a sin. But they also don’t believe that raising their kids separately, halfway across the country, is the best way to care for their kids either.

So they choose to recognize to themselves, their kids, and their church that they are not married. They ceased sharing a bed or any romance or sex. But then they chose to continue doing life together as sisters. They raise the kids together in the same house. They continue to be legally married for the financial benefits. And they invite some of their siblings in Christ to hold them accountable to refraining from romance or sex.

Now, again, I’m not offering this as a one-size-fits-all solution.

I want to underscore that this has usually only worked out when the couple arrived at these conclusions on their own. When the holy spirit guided them to these convictions. This rarely works out when a pastor or leader is trying to twist someone’s arm into arriving at this.

To be clear, I'm not saying that pastors and leaders can't engage in compassionate and robust conversation with people on this journey. But, at least from what I've observed, this seems to work out best long-term when you let the Holy Spirit take the lead and you follow.

I hope that's helpful!

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