Can a Christian lust after their spouse?

I went on the Goodlion Podcast to explore a variety of questions in the intersection of faith and sexuality, including the different ways broken sexuality shows up in our world.

Christians may be quick to point to the broken reality of same-sex attractions, but everyone's sexuality is broken. Straight people lust after people they aren't married to. Married Christians can even lust after their own spouse.

Let me explain.

We lust when we sexually objectify someone in order to consume/use them (or their image) in selfish ways. This is most obvious in marriages where there is any sexual, physical, or emotional abuse occurring.

But married people share with me that sometimes, when they're not doing well, they look at their spouse in the same ways as they look at people in pornography: They want to use their spouse to make themselves feel better. And then they do so.

That's just as much a sin as watching pornography. That's just as much a sin as a Christian lusting after someone of the same sex.

To be clear, just because lust is *part* of someone's motivations doesn't mean it's the entirety of their motivations. Most of the time, desire is a mix of motivations, some broken and some holy.

But most of the time, lust is at least a small part of marital desire. Does this mean that married Christians should cease all marital intimacy with each other because there's a possibility of lust? No.

It just means that, like friendship outside of marriage, connection inside of marriage can't be pursued unthinkingly. There is no context where Christians can enjoy and take from each others' bodies unthinkingly.

In every relationship, we must ask ourselves, "Am I connecting with this person with motivations of self-giving love and to communicate my care to them? Am I selfishly taking from them? Am I objectifying them?"

We need to ask these questions in marriage, in dating relationships, and in friendships. Everyone needs to pause and examine their motivations.

When gay Christians committed to historic sexual ethics seek to meet their intimacy needs in healthy ways, is it complicated? Yes! But so are the friendships and relationships of straight Christians.

None should starve themselves of healthy intimacy because of the ever-present possibility of lust.

None should seek intimacy in unthinking ways.

Listen to the rest of the podcast at https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/goodlion/episodes/Compassionate-Sexual-Orthodoxy---Pieter-Valk-Pt-1-Navigating-Brokenness--Shame--and-Helping-LGBT-People-Turn-To-Jesus-e22q2q3/a-a9n5vb0