Body shame comes in all sizes (& sexes)

I've shared with friends more about my body shame over the past few years. It's been telling me a powerful lie for 20 years:

"If you looked like the perfect-seeming guys in videos, you'd be loved. You wouldn't feel alone."

When I feel alone or see people who appear to be loved, body shame quickly provides an explanation:

"It's because you don't look like the guys in videos. It's your fault. You have no one to blame but yourself."

Many straight women describe their body shame as an "awareness" that male desire is driven primarily by physical appearance. The lie tells women they must look a certain way to be loved.

Yet women don't typically choose who they love based primarily on physical appearance. They are *taught* this awareness by advertisers hoping to profit from making women feel inadequate.

In contrast, gay men *know* this intuitively because their desires are typically driven by physical appearance. They both see men this way and expect gay men to see them this way, doubling the effects.

As a result, studies have found that body shame is even more common among gay men.

The problem: no amount of beauty can protect us from loneliness.

To be clear, this is just one form body shame takes. Body shame has many origins.

And this shouldn't matter to me. I'm committed to vocational singleness. I'm not seeking or expecting a romantic or sexual relationship with anyone.

But when I'm lonely or feeling any kind of lack, the powerful lie of body shame speaks.

It first began when I became aware of my same-sex attractions, realized I needed to hide my inner thoughts from everyone around me, felt deeply alone from this isolation, and reached out to videos of strangers hoping they would temporarily numb my pain.

That self-soothing taught my heart the lie that to be loved, I had to look like the perfect men in those videos.

I don't have this figured out. I'm still exploring how to take care of my body by eating well and exercising reasonably without giving power to body shame.

But perhaps sharing my story will be helpful for some of you out there, even if I'm still in process. Maybe you feel similarly, and you'll see you're not alone.