“Coming out” during Pride Month
Many choose to "come out"—to share with others about their sexual orientation for the first time—during pride month.
Continuing with my Top 10 Questions about LGBT+ Topics, pastors and parents often ask, "How should I respond when someone comes out to me?" What does it mean for someone to come out? Why do they come out? And how can Christian respond with God's love and wisdom?
What does it mean for someone to come out?
Many mistakenly assume that those coming out are not only sharing about their sexual orientation but also making a public declaration of pursuing gay romance and sex. Do some come out by also sharing about a secret same-sex partner or (not so) jokingly inviting friends to set them up on same-sex dates?
Yes.
But often teens and preteens coming out haven't figured out what they think about relationships or decided how they think God thinks about sexual ethics. They're just sharing that they're a boy attracted to boys, a girls attracted to girls, or some combination of non-straight experience.
Coming out is a process of privately recognizing and (eventually) sharing with others about one’s sexual orientation (a person's consistent pattern of sexual attractions). When someone comes out publicly, they've likely processed privately for years or decades. On average, teens wait five years after internally recognizing same-sex attractions to share with a parent or pastor.
Why do they come out?
To be fully known and fully loved.
While a person's sexuality isn't the most important aspect of their personhood, it is meaningful. Until an LGBT+ person shares about this part of their story, they aren't sure where they'll be fully loved when their story is fully known.
Coming out is risky for an LGBT+ person, and our response (as Christians) matters. Historically, coming out was dangerous. Gay people experienced bullying, family rejection, psychologically dangerous treatments, employment and housing discrimination, and homophobic violence. 86% of LGBT+ teens today experience verbal harassment in their schools. 25% report being physically attacked at school. Over half of LGBT+ youth fear being disowned by their parents after coming out (with almost 10% actually getting kicked out of their homes).
So why come out? Not having to keep one's sexuality a secret anymore can alleviate stress, lead to more genuine friendships, help teens connect with peers of similar experiences, and foster healthier intimacy with God.
How not to respond if someone comes out to you
If someone shares with you, avoid words/phrases like "homosexual", "love the sinner hate the sin", "gay lifestyle", "sexual preference", "Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve", etc. LGBT+ people experience these as inflammatory and unsafe.
Don't ask someone to hide their sexual orientation. Don't share their story with others without their permission. Don't suggest they chose their attractions or they're likely to change. Don't blame the "gay agenda" for their orientation or make problematic sin comparisons like comparing same-sex attractions to alcoholism.
Embodying Christ’s love with your response
INSTEAD, reassure them that you love them, thank them for sharing, and recognize the risk they took. Instead of letting sexual identity language be a barrier to early conversation, trying using whatever words they use in the ways they use them as an act of hospitality. Be honest. If you can say honestly, "I don't see you differently. Nothing has changed," then say that. Or if it fits better, you can say, "Anytime I learn more about someone, I see them differently, but not lesser. I see you more fully, and now I want to get to know you even more!"
If you genuinely want to get to know the person better (and that is welcomed), make an effort to understand their experience at a deeper level. Listen well by making eye contact, smiling, and listening-to-learn. Offer physical and verbal affection, as appropriate. Ohh, and don't ask loaded, high-stakes theological questions during your first conversation. Or even during your second conversation. Take your time getting to know this part of a person's story.
Deeper conversation about sexuality
Okay, so someone's shared with you about their sexual orientation for the first time. You reassured them of your love, thanked them for sharing, and honored their courage. You listened well and asked to meet again to get to know the LGBT+ person even more. Now what?
Here's some good questions for your second conversation:
Are you feeling or have you ever felt suicidal?
Are you being or have you ever been bullied or teased?
How have your friends responded to you?
How have people at church responded to you?
Is there anything else you would like for me to know right now?
Do you prefer I share with others or maintain your privacy?
Then perhaps during a later conversation, when you feel like you've demonstrated that you're safe and earned enough trust to asked theological questions, try starting with these:
What does your sexual orientation mean to you?
How do you describe your faith identity?
How does your sexual orientation intersect with your faith?
Are you planning to stay connected at church?
For those not convinced of a traditional sexual ethic
If the LGBT+ person you're meeting with has made clear they aren't convinced of a traditional sexual ethic and part of your motivation for getting to know them better is a hope they'll eventually embrace God's full love and wisdom for gay people, remember this:
God's inconvenient but life-giving wisdom for sexual stewardship seems foolish to those who don't know Jesus. Don't put the cart before the horse. Focus first on offering them tastes of Christ's love through your friendship. If they are Christians but aren't convinced of a traditional sexual ethic, remember that churches have historically pushed gay people into pray-the-gay-away ministries, enabled a double standard for gay vs. straight sexual ethics, and condemned them to loneliness if committed to celibacy.
Better arguments won't convince them of the goodness of God's wisdom. Your church must take the steps necessary to support gay Christians following a traditional sexual ethic in ways that actually bear undeniably good fruit. So keep meeting with your LGBT+ friend. And outside of those conversations, get busy pushing your church to become a place where they could actually thrive according to God's wisdom.
