“Discerning Love in a Lonely World” at Asbury Theological Seminary

I recently preached the chapel message on back-to-back days at Asbury Theological Seminary. Check out this recording and transcript from the first day discovering how biblical discernment frees us to embrace love—whether in marriage or singleness—with gratitude and joy.

When I was told about the "Yours" theme for this semester and that I'd be teaching in chapel shortly after Valentine's Day–about singleness and marriage and friendship and loneliness–I immediately thought of those small chalky candy hearts with phrases like "Be Mine" and "I'm Yours" stamped on them.

For many of us, Valentine's Day was just another reminder that we're lonely. That we're much lonelier that *those* people on social media who seem so happy. That we wish we had more in our life.

A good chunk of you are single. You've probably grown up hearing your whole life that marriage is one of the best gifts God has to give and one of the greatest sources of true joy. And it is a beautiful gift! And a great source of joy for many, including my parents!

So much so that when I was first considering lifetime celibacy five years ago, my parents prayed against celibacy for me. 

When I told my parents that I felt called to lifetime celibacy, they hesitated—not out of doubt, but out of love. For them, the best things in life came from their marriage and kids. How could they imagine a fulfilling life for me without those beautiful, life-giving experiences?

They continued to pray that God would instead lead me to marriage. At first I was offended. But in time, I understood that my parents were onto something. My parents didn’t grow up seeing Christians thriving in celibacy. They don't know any adult peers leveraging their singleness for the sake of the kingdom. The Bible’s promise of a flourishing and connected celibacy seemed like a cruel trick.

Marriage Expectations & Romance Idolatry

I think another part of the problem is that Christians have learned to idolize romance, and that idol has haunted and tortured a lot of us.

Now, I want to be clear: I'm not anti-romance or anti-marriage or anti-love. I'm very much a fan of each of those, and each of those is good. Marriage is an amazing calling to sacrifice for the sake of the kingdom. It’s a beautifully difficult vocation that images Christ’s love and sacrifice for the Church in a way that uniquely displays the gospel. And, we can idolize good things and mistakenly turn them into ultimate things that compete with our love of God and our trust in His wisdom. 

Romance idolatry shows up in Disney movies and Taylor Swift songs depicting a beautiful connection that will fulfill and satisfy us more than anything else can. It promises to delight because it's exclusive and it's special. We won’t be loved by just anyone; we'll be united with the person meant specifically for each of us, who matches us perfectly. We're promised it'll be easy, effortless, and self-sustaining, because it's the love we were destined for. That's the magical lie of romance idolatry. 

Unfortunately that false hope destroys many of the relationships we step into, dooming connections to fall short of the effortless, deeply-satisfying, Disney romance we've been promised. And all of them will.

The Idol of Romance promises us love, belonging, family, pleasure, and an escape from loneliness, but in reality, it leads to loneliness, self-medicating of all kinds, broken relationships, lack of purpose, and a scarcity of money + time.

Too many people are tricked into chasing false hope when they think they're seeking God's good gifts.

So if you’re like me, you were steeped in romance idolatry and raised to expect marriage. And maybe there’s been a part of you that’s believed that you've kind of earned marriage since you've been willing to make so many other sacrifices to be here at Asbury and be in ministry. You could be pursuing other careers that are more lucrative or more admired. My hunch is, many of us feel like we're kind of owed marriage or entitled to it because of everything else we’ve given up.

But for a variety of reasons, many of you aren't finding yourself in marriage as soon as you'd like, leaving you frustrated and perhaps even resentful sometimes. Why aren't there more men and women here who are a good fit for me? I want a spouse who is a faithful Christian and values ministry. It should be easy to find a spouse here. What's the problem?!

I want you to hear: you're normal and it's not your fault. Some sense of entitlement and resentment in your position totally makes sense. And I know you don't want to feel those.

I know that many of you deeply desire marriage, and that desire is good. But when that desire turns into a sense of entitlement, it can lead to bitterness and resentment that robs us of joy. 

When Expectation Becomes Entitlement

So what can we do with these frustrations? And then what do we do with our loneliness, because even if we do something about our expectations, it won't change anything about our genuinely painful state of loneliness.

This might seem like an odd suggestion, but I think the solution to your entitlement and resentment around marriage might be discernment.

Again, this may not feel like the answer you were hoping for, but what if God is inviting you to respond to your frustrations by taking a step back and actually discerning, with open hands, whether He wants marriage or vocational singleness for you?

What if you gave God a chance to tell you that you were actually never meant for marriage and to fill you with hope for something different? I know it might sound terrifying, but what if you gave God a chance to tell you to permanently shut the door on the possibility of marriage so that you finally thrive in something else? What if God is inviting you to release the false hope you’ve been clinging to so that you can receive the true gift He has for you?

Let me share why, and then how. Ohh, and for those of you who are married, this is still relevant to you. There’s single people in your life who would benefit from you thinking deeply about these questions so that you can support them in their discernment. And if you end up raising children, you’ll have the opportunity to shape whether your kids assume they’re owed marriage or whether they invite the Lord to offer them the gift that’s best for each of them.

Resolving Resentment with Discernment

So why discern?

Well, particularly if you might end up being single long term or for a lifetime, there are significant advantages to intentionally discerning and embracing vocational singleness, as opposed to continuing in common singleness.

Common singleness is the state of abstinent singleness that we’re all born into, whereas vocational singleness is the kind of lifetime committed singleness for the sake of kingdom work that Jesus commends in Matthew 19 and Paul praises in 1 Corinthians 7. I recognize that some of you may come from traditions where singleness is not framed as a vocation, but I invite you to lean in with me over these next minutes.

Okay, so back to the benefits of discerning and owning celibacy, particularly if you’re already walking out long-term singleness:

If you embrace your vocational singleness, you can make long-term plans with spiritual family and invest deeply in kingdom work, while others can only make short-term plans and invest shallowly because they’re keeping their options open to reorganize their lives around a future Christian marriage. 

If you’re willing to commit to vocational singleness, you can mark those commitments publicly, celebrate and honor your celibacy with friends and family, invite them to hold you accountable and support you, and celebrate the anniversary of that commitment each year—renewing you and drawing you forward.

When you embrace your celibacy, you’re free to focus on your kingdom work and spiritual family with undivided attention instead of wasting time and energy questioning and deliberating and convincing yourself to be celibate for one more day, day after day after day. 

Owning your celibacy may help you see yourself more fully in the vocational singleness of Jesus, Paul, and so many heroes of the faith. Plus, the oldest Christian traditions teach that in order to receive the fullest gift of grace from God to thrive in vocational singleness, you have to actually settle down into the vocation.

Now, many Christians reasonably object to discerning between vocational singleness and Christian marriage:

Some ask why they can’t simply remain in common singleness indefinitely instead of settling down into vocational singleness or Christian marriage, but unfortunately this often leads to shallow spiritual roots, lack of long-term commitment, or a sense of waiting for life to start. 

Others assume that their desire for marriage and children must mean God wants them to marry, but desire alone is not a reliable indicator of calling—most of the lifetime celibate Christians I know still experience those desires.

Some argue that singleness is too difficult or unnatural, but the same is true of marriage; faithful Christian marriage is just as much a call to lay down one’s life for the sake of the kingdom, it’s just as difficult as vocational singleness. So both callings require a gift of grace from God to thrive in the vocation.

Others point to Jesus’s use of the word “choose” in Matthew 19:12, but while no one should be forced into either vocational singleness or Christian marriage, the Scriptures make clear that God calls each Christian to one path or another, and we would benefit from offering our preferences to God and giving Him time and space to show us why His preference might be even better.

Finally, if a majority of Christians are eventually called to marriage, why bother discerning? Well, as we’ve already explored, assuming marriage can lead to entitlement, whereas open-handed discernment can ensure that both married and single Christians receive and steward their vocations as gifts from God.

Discernment Benefits in Community

I really think that every Christian young adult should bring this question of vocational singleness or Christian marriage to God. It’s essential because God has a preference for each of us, and He wants to communicate that preference. In Matthew 19:12, Jesus affirms that some are called to “live like eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven” and that this calling is given, not self-selected. He presents vocational singleness as a permanent state, distinct from common singleness, and equally valid alongside marriage. And He recognizes “not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given...the one who can accept this should accept it.”

Similarly, in 1 Corinthians 7:7, Paul states, “each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that,” affirming that both Christian marriage and vocational singleness are divine callings rather than personal preferences. Paul further encourages discernment in 1 Corinthians 7:32-35, explaining that those who remain unmarried can serve the Lord with undivided devotion, while those who marry must also attend to the concerns of their spouse. 

While most will be called to marriage, common singleness is not presented as a long-term option in Scripture—rather, Christians are called to commit to one of two permanent vocations: vocational singleness or Christian marriage.

Neither calling is default or automatic—Jesus and Paul make clear that discernment is necessary to receive the gift of either vocation, and we're going to need that gift to do either vocation well.

We are invited to seek God’s will with open hands, trusting that He knows which vocation will lead to greater joy and fruitfulness in our lives. Discernment is not about choosing what we prefer but about listening for God’s best for us and stepping fully into the vocation He calls us to, knowing that His provision will follow our obedience.

Or to put it more succinctly, here's my big, on-theme, idea for today: The gift of marriage or singleness is not ours to take, but YOURS, God, to give, and ours to humbly receive and tenderly steward.

I think discernment is the ideal antidote for the entitlement and resentment that some of us are feeling. Discernment forces us to confront the idol of romance. It helps us bring our preferences to God and admit that while there's nothing wrong with our preferences, God knows even better what's best for us. Discernment can prepare us to receive vocational singleness with joy if that's what God has. Or if marriage ends up being our calling, discernment can help us actually see it as a gift we aren't owed and not take it for granted. 

Plus, discernment can change how we see our peers. It can change the lens through which we view our brothers and sisters in Christ so that we move from first seeing a single person as a potential mate to instead seeing them as a sibling who is discerning.

How to Discern in a Lonely World

So how can we discern between these two callings? Well, I can’t offer you a foolproof, step-by-step process. To be honest, I kind of accidentally stumbled into my own discernment process after college. I can share more about my journey at the talkback lunch after the service. 

But long story short, over the course of nearly a decade, God helped me stumble upon time-tested ingredients for careful discernment between vocational singleness and Christian marriage: growing in general Christian discernment, deepening theological respect for both vocations while addressing emotional resistance, considering the kingdom work God is calling a person to, reflecting on past and present circumstances, and seeking support from trusted mentors, friends, and church community. 

No single factor will provide a definitive answer, but by patiently exploring each of these discernment ingredients and seeking confirmation, a clearer sense of direction often emerges. By the end of my discernment, God had helped me discover enough peace and confidence to make lifetime commitments to vocational singleness in a big public ceremony two years ago.

So how can you discern using those ingredients?

First, Grow Your Capacity for General Christian Discernment.

Before discerning your relational vocation, strengthen your ability to hear God’s voice in all areas of life. Different Christian traditions offer discernment frameworks, such as Ignatian discernment, which involves prayer, Scripture, seeking wise counsel, and taking small steps to test a calling. Developing these skills will help you approach this question with clarity and trust in God’s guidance.

Second, Deepen Theological Respect for Both Vocations While Addressing Emotional Resistance.

Many Christians inherit biases that prioritize marriage and neglect the beauty of vocational singleness. Engaging with theological resources like Breaking the Marriage Idol by Kutter Calloway or Marriage and Celibacy by Max Thurian can help ensure open-handed discernment. Emotional barriers—such as fear of loneliness, past heartbreak, or cultural pressure—can also be examined, ideally with the help of a pastor, counselor, or mentor, to ensure they don’t distort the discernment process.

Third, Consider What Kingdom Work God is Calling You To.

1 Corinthians 7:32-35 highlights that vocational singleness allows for undivided devotion to certain kinds of kingdom work, while marriage involves the responsibility of caring for a spouse and children. If you feel like the primary work you’ve been called to is to raise children for God, then you’re probably called to marriage. Or if you feel called to work that might be mutually exclusive with raising children, then you’re probably called to vocational singleness. But admittedly, many people don't feel a strong calling to either. 

Fourth, Reflect on Past and Present Circumstances.

Has God been gently nudging you toward one vocation? If someone remains single well into adulthood, it’s worth asking whether that is simply circumstantial or part of God’s direction. 1 Corinthians 7:17-24 suggests that God’s providence, including one’s past experiences and current season of life, can be a meaningful part of discernment. While not a determinative factor, it can help provide clarity.

Fifth, Patiently Seek Support from Church, Family, Friends, and Spiritual Mentors.

Wise discernment does not happen in isolation. Seeking input from those who know you well can help clarify emotional obstacles, theological misunderstandings, and the ways God may already be guiding you. Discernment is a process that unfolds over time, often requiring years of prayer, reflection, and trusted conversations. While we may never feel fully certain before taking the next step, as Max Thurian writes, “A man will never have complete certainty concerning his vocation… He must, to a certain extent, make a leap in the dark.” However, that leap does not mean making an immediate lifetime commitment—it means taking small steps in the direction God seems to be leading and seeking confirmation along the way.

Small Steps after Discernment

If you're called to Christian marriage, those small steps are probably obvious: date, get engaged, and then commit at a wedding.

But if you've got a hunch that you're called to vocational singleness, there's gradual steps you can also take to gain confidence and settle into your calling, including figuring out where you might find permanent, lived-in family in vocational singleness.

You can start with short-term commitments like I did to help you enjoy freedom from having to reassess your celibacy every day without having to take the intimidating step of making lifetime commitments.

But I’d encourage you to eventually consider committing to vocational singleness in a more permanent way and making intentional, public commitments to honor your dedication and celebrate your calling with your community.

I made a pretty big deal of my lifetime commitments. To be honest, I think it was the second most important day of my life (after my baptism)! That was worth celebrating in a huge way. 

There was formal wear and flowers. Organ and brass quintet music. A processional followed by formal vows. I celebrated with a bachelor party, rehearsal dinner, and a formal reception with jazz, cake, and toasts. After those celebrations, I went on a commitments vacation in Europe. 

Altogether, these moments helped me believe that my vocation to kingdom singleness is just as beautiful, just as worth celebrating, and just as valuable as a marriage.  

I needed a ceremony—a big embodied moment—to not only convince my mind, but to reassure my body and soul that God was really doing something. The celebrations helped me trust that God was really giving me the full gift of vocational singleness to thrive in my vocation. They helped me believe that God had given me an irrevocable call to fully commit myself to the undivided attention that vocational singleness can offer my kingdom work.

If you’re already married…

Finally, what about those of you who are already married and for whom discernment is no longer as relevant?

Many of you are on the other side of romance idolatry's over-promising. Maybe you feel pressure not to take what you have for granted, particularly when you're around single people. You don't want to complain about your marriage or downplay how great marriage can be around people who can sometimes seem desperate for it. Maybe you feel the pressure for your marriage to be some big, beautiful gospel testimony to Christ's relationship with the Church and are afraid to fail. But in reality, nothing could live up to the over-promising you probably experienced before marriage. 

Can I give you permission to be honest with the single people around you about your disappointment, even if you logically know that the real problem was unrealistic expectations? Then perhaps it'd be easier for you to right-size your expectations and appreciate what you have a little bit more. Plus, you'd be modeling something more realistic for your single friends.

A call to action in the Church!

Ultimately, both vocational singleness and Christian marriage are calls to lay down our lives for the gospel, to suffer for the sake of the kingdom, to sacrifice so that the poor and needy can get a little closer to the cross–all so that we can heal this world a little bit more and get it a little bit closer to the fully redeemed new creation Jesus will one day return to finish.

The idol of romance promises us the American dream version of love and relationship. That if we work hard enough, we'll be rewarded with something safe and relatively easy that gets rid of the pain of loneliness for good.

But the Scriptures cast vision for two callings in vocational singleness and Christian marriage that are equally beautiful and difficult, equally kingdom-building but at the cost of laying down our lives, equally gospel-sharing when we're willing to suffer for the sake of others, equally a call to family with people who are broken, equally a call to bringing life to a broken world if we're willing to sacrifice.

If you're single, I hope you'll earnestly offer both of those possibilities to God, embrace the gift God wants to give you, and walk forward with peace and purpose, confidence and gratitude. If today’s message stirred something in you, could I invite you to take the next week and ask the Lord: “God, what are you inviting me into?” And then maybe talk with a mentor or a friend about what a first step toward discernment might look like for you.

And if you're married, I hope you cherish and cultivate the gift you have, model something realistic and gospel-imaging, and teach your kids, if you raise any, not to expect or demand marriage but instead to see both vocations as beautiful possibilities to one day discern.

Regardless, I think all of us would benefit from seeing the gifts of marriage and singleness not as ours to take, but YOURS, God, to give, and ours to humbly receive and tenderly steward.