​​"Life Together: Building a Community Through Friendship" at Asbury Theological Seminary

I recently preached the chapel message on back-to-back days at Asbury Theological Seminary. Check out this recording and transcript from the second day exploring the power of spiritual friendship to create belonging and enrich both single and married lives.

Yesterday we talked about the need for all of us to push against the idol of romance and for single Christians to open-handedly discern as a way of receiving the gift God knows is best for us and as an antidote to entitlement and resentment. But regardless of calling or gifting, a lot of us are still struggling with loneliness, right? Whether you're single or married, you feel alone more often than you think like you should. So why are we so lonely? And what can we do about it?

The Roots of our Loneliness

There's lots of theories. Rodney Clapp, in his book Families at the Crossroads, argues that the Industrial Revolution caused the breakdown of community. With technological advances, more Americans could afford single-family homes and move cities or states frequently. But we never asked if we should move, just because we could.

Constant relocation destroyed hard-earned, slowly-built community. Single-family homes put distance between neighbors. After work and sleep, little time is left for community, and many of those hours need to be spent on spent cooking, doing the dishes, folding laundry, getting ready for work or bed, and transitioning between activities.

In multi-family homes, these mundane moments could be shared with neighbors. But in single-family homes, they become lost opportunities for connection.

I've seen this play out in my own life.

After college I was part of four different houses with vague aspirations of intentional Christian community. But each fell apart because guys got married, moved for a job, or ran away from conflict. And every time I connected deeply with people in healthy ways—only for that connection to be torn apart—I was injured. I know I’m not the only one who has struggled with finding lasting friendship.

Daniel Grothe tracks something similar in his book The Power of Place. He argues that modern loneliness and the breakdown of community stem from several cultural and societal shifts. Yes, moving for jobs, education, or personal preferences has weakened community ties. Western culture prioritizes self-reliance, personal fulfillment, and autonomy over communal bonds. This mindset discourages people from investing in long-term, interdependent relationships within a stable community.

But there's some uniquely modern drivers. 

While digital communication connects people across distances, it often replaces deep, embodied relationships. Online interactions can create a false sense of connection, while physical presence and shared life rhythms—essential for real community—diminish. And the modern economy encourages people to treat places, churches, and relationships as transactional. Instead of committing to a community, many "shop around" for the best option, leading to shallow relationships and an inability to weather difficulties together. 

At the same time, participation in institutions of connection and service and stable belonging like churches, civic groups, and local organizations have sharply declined. As a result, instead of societies filled with families and communities spanning multiple generations, providing wisdom, care, and continuity, young adults today often live far from extended family, losing crucial relational support systems.

Solution #1: Spiritual Friendship

So what can we do about it? Well, we may not be able to reverse the Industrial Revolution, but there are still powerful tools at our disposal. Let’s explore those today: We can reclaim a biblical imagination for deep friendship, we can cultivate meaningful relationships between singles and married people, and we can build thicker experiences of community among the body of Christ.

Unfortunately, Christians are out of the habit of and have lost an imagination for deeper friendship that we all need. But thankfully, the Scriptures and much of Church history offer us a solution.

Many of the mothers and fathers of our faith depended on what's called "spiritual friendship" to sustain their ministry: David and Jonathan, Ruth and Naomi, Jesus and John, and Paul and Timothy. For centuries, early Christians continued this practice of committed friendship, chosen family, spiritual kinship. Some of these individuals were in opposite-sex marriages outside of these deep friendships. Some were single. But all cultivated non-sexual, committed friendships. Let's call them spiritual friendships.

Here's how Ruth speaks about her friendship with Naomi in Ruth 1:16-18

“But Ruth replied, ‘Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the Lord deal with me, be it ever so severely, if even death separates you and me.’ When Naomi realized that Ruth was determined to go with her, she stopped urging her.”

Here's how Jonathan felt about his friendship with David in 1 Samuel 18:1-4

"After David had finished talking with Saul, Jonathan became one in spirit with David, and he loved him as himself. From that day Saul kept David with him and did not let him return home to his family. And Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself. Jonathan took off the robe he was wearing and gave it to David, along with his tunic, and even his sword, his bow and his belt."

And David in 1 Samuel 20:41

"David got up from the south side of the stone and bowed down before Jonathan three times, with his face to the ground. Then they kissed each other and wept together—but David wept the most."

We have no reason to believe any of these women or men were same-sex attracted. We have no reason to believe these were secret homoerotic declarations. This kind of spiritual kinship, chosen family, spiritual friendship between people of the same sex was common through much of recorded history.

I'm particularly struck by Ruth's words: "Your people will be my people and your God my God." It reminds me of romantic sayings like "I am YOURS and you are mine." We think of that sentiment as being reserved for something sexual. But Ruth here, and all of these spiritual friends, are reminding us that we are made for friendships where we can also say "I am YOURS." Not in a way that competes with a spouse, if we have one, or competes with our relationship with Jesus. But one that builds up both.

So here's my big, on-theme idea for today: Don't be afraid of making friends who say "I am YOURS." It might be exactly what your loneliness and your relationship with Jesus needs!

Barriers to Spiritual Friendship

But If spiritual friendship is so great, why don't we already have them? 

Well, many of us are afraid of being known and rejected. We don't trust others to love us as well as we think we’ll love them. We don’t want to need others or owe others anything. At least in a marriage, there's some level of commitment that reduces these fears and makes it easier to be vulnerable, invest in another, and be needy in healthy ways. But many of us have come to believe that the whole point of friendship is that there isn't commitment or expectation or obligation.

There's also practical barriers to spiritual friendship. People live alone and far away. We want the freedom to change friends, churches, and cities, and we often do.

But what if we cultivated these kinds of friendships?! What if we let ourselves need others and gave others permission to ask of our time and energy? What if we didn't hide from our friends, but instead were vulnerable and pushed ourselves to trust them? What if we expected to get hurt and committed to forgive?

Practically, those in spiritual friendships treat each other like chosen family. They go on vacation together or even live together. They choose to sacrifice money, time, location, job, and other friends for each other.

These friendships were enough to sustain those who were single, and a hearty supplement for those who were married. To learn more, check out the book Spiritual Friendship by Wes Hill.

And you can start small. You don’t have to make grand David/Jonathan declarations right out of the gate. Maybe there’s a friendship in your life that means a lot to you, but your get-togethers seem sporadic. What if you started hanging out on a weekly basis to get some more consistent time together? Maybe you’re not ready to make a “where you go, I will go” commitment to a friend. But could you start by regularly checking in with one person and making them a priority in your life?

Friendship Between Singles & Married Parents

Then, in the meantime, how can we borrow from spiritual friendship to cultivate and enjoy thicker, more life-giving connection with lots of people in our lives?

In particular, I want to talk about friendship between singles and married people with kids, because this community has such a healthy mix of singles and marrieds. 

I personally know the challenges and beauty of friendship between singles and married parents all too well. One of my closest friends after college was a guy named Chase. For a season, he even considered committing to vocational singleness and helping build the Nashville Family of Brothers where I now live. But eventually he discerned that he was called to marriage, got married, and a few years later he and his wife started having kids. All of this was a big adjustment for me. To be honest, there was a season when I had to mourn what I felt like I had lost. Chase was being faithful to his calling, but because of the scarcity of this world, him stepping into what he was called to meant he had less time and energy available for our friendship. That time and energy only became more scarce once Chase and Hannah had young kids to care for. I quickly realized that if I wanted to be part of their lives, I needed to be willing to work with how much less flexibility they had, without resentment.

If I want to spend consistent time with their family, I need to be willing to slip into their rhythms. To go over after they've put their kids to bed. Or to help them with dinner and putting their kids to bed. I had to learn how to feed and burp and diaper so that I could pitch in and seamlessly be part of the team. And be okay with being bad at each of those at first, because there's only so much you can learn from Youtube videos.

I've accompanied them to the grocery store. Helped them fold laundry. Taken the initiative to do the dishes. Offered to babysit. Picked up medicines from the pharmacy. Helped Chase keep the kids occupied so that Hannah could have some alone time. 

In the small groups that we've been a part of, I've had to accept that kid dinner/sleep schedules will mean that Saturday or Sunday afternoons are more likely than weeknight 7 pm times that I'd prefer.

On the flip side, Chase and Hannah had to be willing to let me see the mess in their house and in their marriage. They had to be willing to trust me with their kids and with the needs of their family, both practical and emotional. They had to invite me into their lives and make me a priority alongside a handful of other priorities they were already over-stretched by.

These days, I get breakfast with Chase every Tuesday morning at 6 am before he goes to work, I hang out with my godson Bentley (their eldest) for an hour every Wednesday while his mom and siblings are at a music class down the block, and I have a standing Sunday brunch invitation at their house after church.

But it'll look different for you. 

Whatever the specifics are for the friendships between singles and married parents in your life, we're all going to have to push against the temptation to throw a pity-party for ourselves that we can't have everything we want on our terms. Singles are going to have to be okay with pitching in with cooking, cleaning, laundry, dishes, shopping, and chores. It's probably going to look like showing up on kids' schedules and in emergencies. But in exchange, it can also involve allowing the kids and parents we're connected to love us well.

And marrieds, you’re going to need to invite your single friends to be part of your lives. Too often, singles can feel like we’re imposing. Remind us that you want us in your life, even if the logistics are complicated and you have to rain-check or reschedule often. Invite us into your home—not just for special occasions, but for the mundane moments of life. Give us a seat at your family table, and let us truly be part of your world.

Solution #2: Intentional Christian Community

Perhaps, though, some of you are single and have started to build some of these spiritual friendships with single and married people in your life, but you wish you had something even more lived-in and permanent.

Remember earlier when I shared about my four failed attempts at intentional community? Every time I connected deeply with people in healthy ways—only for that connection to be torn—I was injured. Eventually my heart started yelling and screaming in resistance, "Not again! This is too painful!" My heart made clear that I couldn't connect deeply again unless it was safe. I knew what safe meant: permanent. 

I knew I was made for consistent, intimate family that is physically and emotionally present. So in 2017, I met with the late Father Thomas McKenzie (my former Anglican priest) to share that I felt called to vocational singleness but didn’t feel a magical gift of celibacy such that I didn’t need human family. I asked, “How can I find the family in the body of Christ that I need at our church?” Here’s how he responded:

“To be honest, I don’t think you’re going to find the kind of family you need at our church or any church in Nashville any time soon. But monasticism has been the most common way celibate people have found family. It’s been the greatest source of evangelism in the Church, the greatest source of theology in the Church, and the greatest source of social justice in the Church. I think you should start something in Nashville, build the family you need, and stay connected to our church to teach us how to do family better. Maybe by the time you die, our church will be good enough at family that the community you started won’t be necessary anymore.”

So that’s what I did! I gathered ten other single Christian men I knew who were at least open to long-term singleness and intentional Christian community, and we spent six months sharing weekly meals, hanging out, and asking God whether He was calling any of us to start an intentional Christian community. By the end of that six months, two of us felt confident that God was calling us to start what we’d eventually call the Nashville Family of Brothers. We separately made one-year commitments to vocational singleness and to the Nashville Family of Brothers.

Fast forward to today, the Nashville Family of Brothers is an ecumenically Christian monastery building family in Nashville for men called to vocational singleness. We’re still a part of our local churches. We’ve got jobs outside of the brotherhood leveraged for the sake of the kingdom. We’re still connected to parents and their kids.

Plus four of us pray and eat and vacation and live together in a home as a family while we discern how God is calling us to leverage our singleness for the sake of the kingdom and discern whether to make lifetime commitments to each other.

Now, I’m not expecting you to go start a monastery. Unless you feel called to that, and then let’s talk! But I think there’s a much more organic, less complicated version of intentional Christian community that any of you could cultivate. Just find three other people willing to live in an apartment together and commit to celibacy for a year. Do some simple prayer together once a day, confess to each other once a week, do two meals together a week. Maybe serve in your neighborhood together once a month, go on a vacation together, do one of the big holidays together, read a book about discernment or intentional Christian community together. Celebrate kingdom work successes together and mourn loneliness together. You don’t have to do all of these. But gather some people, do something for a year, and see what happens.

Solution #3: Deeper Local Church Belonging

Okay, so we’ve explored how to cultivate spiritual friendships, how singles and married parents can navigate the complexities of their friendship, and how singles can cultivate intentional Christian community for themselves. I want to close with some simple suggestions for how we can use some of these ideas to build a broader experience of belonging in the Body of Christ.

Among this wider Asbury community, how could you foster thicker family among this community of believers?

You can establish rhythms of gathering together for weekly meals or prayer among people from a variety of churches. I highly encourage scheduling consistent times to connect: brunch potlucks every Sunday, a recurring watch party for a favorite tv show, a weekly board game night, regular book discussion groups, and recurring accountability spaces. Be creative and schedule regular times to do mundane, unavoidable life stuff like doing laundry together, going grocery shopping, exercising, or doing yardwork. You can make plans to do holidays together! 

And I know some of you tuning in aren’t a part of this community in person in this season. Perhaps you’d even prefer to cultivate embodied friendship, but for now, you have to make the best of virtual friendship. My hunch is you’re already making an effort to connect with others here in Wilmore and scattered across the globe. Keep it up. And particularly to those of you on campus who have friends who can’t be with you in person in this season, what would it look like for you to be intentional about scheduling regular Zoom hangouts with them? Get creative with book discussions or virtual watch parties or cooking the same recipe and enjoy the fruits of your labor together, from a distance.

Whether you go all-in and cultivate some Ruth and Naomi or David and Jonathan friendships in the near future, lean into the beautiful complexity of friendship between singles and married parents, or pitch in toward intentional Christian community, remember: Don't be afraid of making friends who say "I am YOURS." It might be exactly what your loneliness and your relationship with Jesus needs!

And ultimately, build loving friendship, because it shares the gospel. In John 13:34-35, Jesus commands us to love one another and says that our love for one another will be what makes it obvious to people that we’re part of Jesus’s family. This love is supposed to be our calling card. And Jesus wants us to love each other so well that people want to get to know the Savior who makes it all possible. Make deep friends for your own sake, and be encouraged: that love can share the gospel.

Before you leave today, what if you sent a message to someone you care about? Or invited someone over for dinner? What if you made plans to show up for someone, even if only in a small way at first. And let’s start reclaiming the deep friendships we were made for.