I'm a disagreeable person, and that’s been a problem.
Classic personality tests like the Big Five OCEAN assessment identify a person’s level of agreeableness.
There are both constructive and destructive ways disagreeable people can show up in their families and workplaces.
For better and for worse, I'm a disagreeable person.
Life circumstances over the past year have increasingly forced me to face the fact that I'm a disagreeable person, take responsibility for the ways I've been destructively disagreeable, and grow in my habits of being constructively disagreeable.
Here's some typical traits of disagreeable people, including me:
1. Humble objection to something “wrong” (that can become combative/vindictive)
2. Careful directness (that can become harsh/harmful)
3. Wise risk-taking (that can become recklessness/narcissism)
4. Respectfully logical (that can become callous/insensitive)
5. Healthy doubt and skepticism toward people/institutions (that can become paranoia)
6. Modest self-interestedness (that can become selfishness/greed)
At the best of times, my disagreeability shows up as a willingness to say "no" when the crowd is saying "yes" to something inequitable, ineffective, inaccurate, or immoral.
At the worst of times, I can be a quarrelsome, overly suspicious, and conceited person who plays with fire and burns others—all in the name of logic.
Constructive disagreeableness has been essential to some of the most life-giving elements of my life. Equip (the LGBT+ ministry I started) and the Nashville Family of Brothers wouldn't exist without my disagreeableness.
I've been able to persevere as a gay Christian committed to historic sexual ethics (with repeated detractors on both sides), name what's not working for people like me, and push the Church to do better because of my disagreeableness.
But I've failed to keep my capacity for destructive disagreeableness in check. And it's catching up with me.
A mentor recently asked me to list times over the past decade when I later learned that my disagreeableness seemed to hurt someone:
I could identify 40 times.
40 times?!
That's unacceptable.
The people who have been hurt by my destructive disagreeableness could care less what the constructive side has made possible. They've hurt. They're carrying wounds.
That's what matters.
I’m sorry.
So I'm at the beginning of a journey. My therapist and spiritual mentor have pivoted to focusing on this work in our meetings.
I've also started meeting with a leadership coach to put me through disagreeableness bootcamp, so to speak.
I'm grateful for the grace of so many in my life over the years who have been patient with me as I resisted seeing what took too long for me to see.
And there's still a lot to be done.
