What’s the solution to loneliness (if not romance/sex)?

God made each of us for intimacy. But romance idolatry inside and outside of the Church often tricks us into believing that our loneliness is exclusively a cry for romance/sex.

Yet when I meet with counseling clients who are lonely, I often ask, “If you had a spouse, what would that get you? How specifically would that person show up in your life and push back loneliness?”

You’d be surprised by their answers. If they mention romance/sex at all, it’s mixed in with a laundry list of other solutions:

“I just want someone that’s available to talk when I need somebody. I need to know someone will be home when I get home, everytime.”

“I need someone who knows how to celebrate me, and I need someone who it feels safe to let hold me when I’m hurting.”

What do you notice about those answers?

None of them require romance or sex.

God hasn’t forbidden anyone from reaching out for those solutions to loneliness. Those needs are good and universal. God wants each of us to have that kind of community.

Look to the spiritual friendships in Scripture for inspiration: David and Jonathan, Ruth and Naomi, Jesus and John, Paul and Timothy.

Instead of despairing that we’re destined to loneliness, recognize that there are many God-honoring ways to fulfill our true desires, and then take practical steps!

Identify people in your life who are interested in reciprocating healthy emotional, spiritual, physical, and intellectual intimacy.

Be intentional about spending time with those individuals, being vulnerable, and deepening friendship.

To this day, if I’m feeling lust kicked up, I try to resist shaming myself. Instead, I ask myself, “Are there ways I haven’t been meeting my intimacy needs in healthy ways?”

The answer is almost always, “Yes.” So instead of beating myself up, I lean into my repentance by taking practical steps to lean more into healthy intimacy.