Recovery (including mine) is messy

In college and post-grad when Christian leaders shared testimonies about what they used to struggle with and celebrated God's provision, it was often implied (if not directly stated) that they no longer struggled.

I remember internally asking, "At all?"

"All of the temptation is gone? You never slip up ever? Even a little?"

I never believed it. Do you?

Sometimes I worry that I unintentionally send the same signals.

When I talk about vocational singleness and resisting temptation and calling a sin a sin, I sometimes worry that others assume I've got it all figured out.

Maybe some roll their eyes in disbelief. Others perhaps lower their eyes in shame and worry that they’re the only person still struggling.

So I want to say clearly: I'm still a sinner.

Recovery is messy for everyone, including me. But progress is happening, and imma keep at it. You should too.

I've shared routinely about my sex addiction recovery. A decade ago I went to a flip-phone for a year. I’ve still got restrictions and accountability software on all my devices.

A decade ago I began going to 12-step meetings. I still regularly attend. A decade ago I started going to therapy to uncover the roots of my lust. I’m still working with my therapist to address my real needs.

And I've made mistakes. As I consistently share when I give my testimony with pastors and churches, I have not always lived up to my commitments.

I don't want to mislead anyone into thinking that coming out on social media as a gay celibate Christian magically flips a switch leading to effortless abstinence.

I deeply regret every mistake I've made. I most regret how my mistakes have enabled others to ignore God's wisdom and bring pain upon themselves.

Thankfully, I’ve made significant progress. Recovery really works! It takes time and effort (and it's not overnight or perfect), but God is faithful to provide greater sobriety.

So if you've struggled with sexual addiction (regardless of your sexual orientation), and your recovery has been messy, please know that you're not alone.

Don't shame yourself too much, but also don't give up. Keep going. Keep asking God for the strength to daily lean into your sanctification.

I'm deeply grateful for the people in my life who've encouraged me as I've taken significant steps in recovery and who've helped pick me back up when I've fallen.

I'm grateful for my brothers and sisters in Christ who've reminded me of God’s forgiveness and reminded me that months or years of sobriety are never lost.

I haven't deserved it, but there's been grace for me. Please know that there's grace for you.

And keep going!